Baby on the Go

My son is now seven and a half months. Crawling, pulling himself up on every possible box or shelf or piece of furniture to stand, and tumbling down to the ground with a loud thud. All of this making my heart so excited and extremely nervous. And that is only in our apartment, never mind when we travel!!

I was born and raised in Massachusetts, and since meeting my husband four years ago ((and moving to NYC nine months after meeting him)), I have probably traveled between the two states around thirty times. I have done most of the traveling by bus and car. However, in December 2010, we took Amtrak for the first time and fell in love!! Since Vedder has been born, he has traveled to Massachusetts four times, twice on Amtrak and also loved it.

Just to clarify things, I do not work for Amtrak at all, nor am I getting paid for this blog post. I am just an extremely satisfied customer, and want to get the word out to other families.

The first time Vedder and I took the train from New York Penn Station to South Station Boston was Thanksgiving Day 2011. Now I am not saying that Amtrak completely takes away all the stresses of traveling with a child, especially an infant, but they sure do make it easier. In November, Vedder was almost four months old. I had a huge stroller, carseat, diaper bag, purse ((which for me is a large bag)) and rolling suitcase. My husband brought us to Penn Station to help me with all the luggage. Of course my genius thinking of taking a 2pm train on Thanksgiving Day because it would save me $75 as opposed to traveling the day before or after the holiday didn't quite work out. I did not factor in that Penn Station is also on 34th street like Macy's. Yep. I completely did not factor in at all that while I would be trying to lug my whole life in 3 bags and a stroller, there would be those thousands upon hundreds of people who come to New York this one time of year to see the nations biggest parade. On the same street I needed to catch a train. Like I said, I'm a genius.

However, once we got there the employees of Amtrak were so helpful my very frazzled state was quickly calmed. They even allowed my husband to help get Vedder and me settled on the train even though he was not joining us on the trip. Many times throughout the four hour trip, a train worker approached me to see if I needed anything, even offering to get water from the cafe cart for us. So nice!!

Our second trip to Massachusetts was just a couple weeks ago. And I feel like as my son gets older, my brain gets fried a little more. On this trip, right after leaving Penn Station I realize I didn't print out my ticket from the kiosk. I only had a receipt of purchase email!! After having to purchase another ticket on the train, a worker gave me all the paperwork, explaining how to get a full refund for the previously purchased ticket. And then when leave Boston a few days later, because of said fried brain, we missed our scheduled departure. The man at the ticket booth was so calm and helpful, I didn't even have the chance to worry and freak out before he called a Red Hat over to help me and store my bags until the next train to New York. Phew!!

The designation between cars - cafe, business, quiet, and coach - makes it very easy to not feel like I am that obnoxious person with the child laughing, singing, and yelling on the train. The scenery of the northeast route from NYP to BOS is beautiful. While Vedder naps I am constantly snapping pictures of the gorgeous new England towns as they fly by. Then when he is awake we are either looking out the windows together, playing with toys on the seats, or walking to the cafe car where they have fresh fruit cups that I am able to slice up and share with him.

The only thing I would change, or have Amtrak add to better the experience for traveling families, are changing tables. Traveling with an infant as often as I do four hours is a long time to go without a diaper change. And even though the handicap bathrooms offer enough space for me to put a changing pad on the floor, the sanitary aspect of that is not appealing at all.

The Amtrak train to Boston passes right past our apartment in Queens and over the park we go to weekly. My husband and I are teaching Vedder that this is the train to Nana and Grandad's house. Even though he may not understand what we are saying, he definitely understands the noise of the train and stares up at it as it zooms. U.

Our next trip to Massachusetts is at the end of the month. I am very excited to be seeing my family again so soon and am looking forward to another pleasant experience traveling.

A letter to my best friend and soon-to-be mama

Dear best friend,

You are pregnant! The whole world is excited!! I don't think anyone on this earth deserves to be a parent more than you. Since we were little, you have always had the most compassionate personality. With everything you have been through to bring you to this day, you have conquered it all so gracefully. When it felt like everything was against you, you still smiled and pushed through. My love for you has 26 years of your unconditional friendship behind it and I cannot thank you enough for that. For all of these reasons and so many more, you are going to be an amazing mother. 

Now I know I started this blog writing about some of my aggravations with pregnancy and parenthood. But this letter to you is from one mumma's heart to another. 

First, through these last couple of months, resist the want to punch anyone in the face that tells you "Sleep now because you won't be after baby is born." You won't sleep normally through the last few months of pregnancy, or after he is born, or ever again. And after a couple years you'll get used to it and it will be ok. It'll actually be great. The reason you aren't sleeping is because this little guy you created needs you. He needs your help, your love and your comfort. He will eventually sleep through the night but you still won't. Remember that book our moms used to read to us as kids, I'll Love You Forever? Yeah well you will be that mom that even after he falls asleep, will crawl into his room, hold him just for a couple extra minutes. Why would you do that? Want to sneak into a sleeping child's room, risking the chance that you'll wake him? Because you're sleep deprived and can't think straight. And because you created this little human and it is the best feeling in the world and every chance you can get to give him love, you will.

Another thing, don't be disappointed when labor goes nothing like you had planned. I really wish someone told me this. I ridiculously, but whole heartedly, thought I could actually have control of all of that. And well it killed me that not even the smallest things worked out the way I had wanted. But now two and a half years later I can write this letter to you and say don't waste your time planning any of it. Whenever and however that beautiful newborn gets put into your arms, smile and let everything else go. 

A baby changes your marriage. It does. No one told me this either. You're no longer just husband and wife. You're mama and daddy. This may seem like a pretty obvious thing, but it's a bigger concept than, well, a new parent can wrap her head around. You and your family of two are no stranger to hard work as a couple. You have both defied so many odds that this could be something you both just laugh at. But when sleepless nights get the best of you, or your parenting skills of a little defiant toddler seem to be drastically different, or any part of this journey into parenthood makes you two scared,  it is important to remember you're not in it alone. And it's important to keep reminding yourself that too because sometimes we all forget. 

The heartache from anything you have ever felt in your life with be nothing compared to your child's first big booboo. Oh god. It still hurts. It will hurt you more than him. But you're both get through it. Him sooner than you. 

There is no such thing as a perfect mama. You're going to make mistakes, a lot of them. You're going to sometimes have no clue why your baby is crying and have no way to help him. This is ok, mostly because he probably doesn't know why he is crying either. And when he gets older, you're going to make mistakes too. There are days where you will have 100% energy to be a super mom and take on his crazy little imaginative world and fill him up with even more important emotional tools for life. You will take him places and teach him things. You will show him the many different worlds outside your home. And these days will be beautiful.. but exhausting. And there will be days where you don't have that energy. Where the tv will be on all day and all he has eaten is animal crackers. You've accomplished nothing except maybe showering, and he has watched the same episode of sesame street for past three hours. You need these days. Even though your guilt may overcome you about not being a "good" parent, remember, you need these days. Life is about balance. So is parenting. No day is perfect. We wake up not knowing what it will bring. The same is with being a parent. Part of being a great parent is finding the balance in between all of the days. 

One last thing. This has been my proudest one to conquer (mostly because all of the above that I have written, in one way or another I'm still dealing with).  Don't worry about your body, now or after. Because you're gorgeous. You always have been and always will be. Every boy wanted to be your boyfriend when we were younger and now the two best boys in the world ((well one to be coming into the world soon)) have you!! Even if you never get back to "pre-baby body" it doesn't matter. The one thing I have let go of is that goal of being back to pre-baby. And I couldn't feel better about myself. Dude, I made another human being, I can keep on these few extra 25 pounds. I've earned that! 

So here is my letter to you. Of crazy, emotional, mama things. I think this letter was more for myself than you, but I am so excited to watch you on this journey. The love you have in your heart is no match for what is about to come. Some days it will fill so much it hurts. And some days it will just hurt. These are all good things. I love you so much and cannot wait to be this very lucky baby boy. 

Finding my balance

Well it is 6:30 am on a Saturday, and because my mind is on auto alarm for 5:20 am for the week, I am awake now while everyone else is sleeping. So I am deciding to write.  But to be honest, I'd much rather be sleeping. 

So maybe I will start off this "Saturday Morning Insomnia" post with a look into the other person who is on this WTF-am-I-doing ride that we call parenthood.

Michael and I celebrated 4 crazy years of mah-widge (the Princess Bride was to say it is the only way to say it) in December. Four friggen years! It's crazy to me. This may seem like a small feat or even still the honeymoon stage to some but for me, well I have a problem committing to absolutely anything. So, high-five, Hubby! Looks like I am on the right track! But to be honest, he makes it really easy..

A few things about Michael (my husband, not my dad -see other post- now we're back to this weird Freudian thing again):

I am married to a rock'n'roll singing, dish washing, best dad in the world shirt owning, dinner cooking, house cleaning, laundry doing, converse wearing all-star. Seriously. I'm spoiled. 

In my completely right-side-of-the -brain-parenting technique, I cannot be a good mom without completely destroying our apartment. I'm not kidding. I am worse than Vedder. A mom who makes more of a mess than her two year old son. Our lovely dining table is permanently covering in paint from various projects. We are still finding confetti glitter around the apartment from new year eve sensory bottles. I have a half done chalk mural on V's wall in his bedroom ((see earlier comment about not being able to commit to anything)). 

When I come home from work during the week, dinner is always ready. Always. Sometimes when Michael comes home on the weekends, he's lucky if his son has even had one full meal the whole day, nevermind a full dinner being cooked. Not that he always keeps his cool about all the mess, but who would? I even want to punch me in the face sometimes for half the crap I do. However, he does know he married an ADHD self-proclaimed artist who cannot commit to change long enough to make it stick. But I guess that's what made him fall in love with me, right? My beautiful free spirit? The way I can just go with the flow? Or my amazingly creative brain? 

No, it was none of that. We met on a blind date. The reasons he fell in love with me was alcohol and the fact that I have a big butt and nothing else. 

So here's a big THANK YOU! to the man who absolutely and willingly deals with my crazy antics and scattered brain. Thank you for teaching Vedder how to do things like hang up his jacket while I teach him about how we can open the window and take all the snow off of the sill to play with it on the kitchen floor. Thank you for putting us both to bed at night. Thank you for creating such balance in my life. And thank you so much for truly loving me through all of this craziness that you have fully committed to. 

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

The night the Grandad Train came to our home

Twenty years ago, Michael (my dad, not my husband.. but now that I write that, I guess there is some Freudian thing going on) came into my life when he started dating my mom. I began calling him dad soon after and haven't stopped. They married when I was eleven. In the ceremony he also exchanged rings with my sister and me, us taking him as our dad. My brother did the same with a ring from my mom, ceremonially making us siblings. This day solidified our family. When I was thirteen, I changed my last name to his. My dad has always been the rock to our family. I have always been thankful for everything he has done for me (even though it took me years to show it). However, what happened last night is much more than I will ever be able to thank him for.

When Vedder was born, my dad said he wanted to be called "Grandad." We laughed and try to tell him not to give his hopes up. Vedder began to call him "DingDong." We laughed harder. Then not long ago Vedder started saying Grandad and hasn't stopped since. He talks about Grandad and the "Grandad Train" (Amtrak) every day. Last night, all he wanted to do was play trains with Grandad.

This breaks my heart. I live with my husband and son in NYC. When I moved here five years ago, I had no real plans for staying this long. However life happens. Now I am here (with still a hope in my heart that we will one day be back living in Massachusetts). I talk to my family often. I text with my sister almost daily, my brother frequently, and facetime with my parents every weekend. I dream of raising my child in the suburbs with a yard he can run in and I can watch him from the kitchen window.

But for now, a trip up to MA every few months and the everyday advances in technology, help Vedder to have a relationship with Nani, Grandad, Auntie, and Unc.

So back to my story about last night.

While facetiming with Auntie, Vedder kept asking if she talked to Grandad. "Where's Grandad? Do you talk to Grandad? I want to play trains with Grandad." So we hung up with my sister and called my mom. Mom instantly answers the phone. "Hi, Vedder!!" "Ummm, Nani, I want to see Grandad." ((My poor mom and sister. Right now in V's life NO ONE measures up to Grandad.))

As soon as they see each other over the iPad, they laugh hysterically. This happens every time we facetime, and lasts for the first few minutes of the call. Just looking at each other laughing. Warms the heart.

Then after talking a bit, Vedder said "I want to play trains with Grandad." We moved the iPad onto the floor of his room. He showed my dad his train tracks all set up. While Vedder pushed around the trains, my dad said "Chugga Chugga Choo Choo!"

This lasted a few more minutes, but Vedder kept looking at me and saying "I want to play trains with Grandad." Obviously it was getting to the point where having Grandad watch from the iPad wasn't good enough. He wanted him there in person. This confused and longing look on Vedder's face broke my heart. And while my mind began to wallow in self pity for living so far away, something amazing happened.

I looked over at the iPad and noticed my dad. He had his head laying down on the kitchen table, imitating Vedder (he lays down on the floor to play trains). My dad had a small black Brio train in his hand, gliding it back and forth on the table. Vedder saw this and smiled. I saw this and cried. They were really playing trains together. Two hundred and fifty miles apart. My heart was so full it could have burst!

They played like this for a while. And as I became the official "FaceTime iPad Holder" I knew I was no longer needed (well, except to be the FaceTime iPad Holder). They played trains, made choo-choo noises, and watched each other. It was beyond the most perfect moment.

Like April 19th solidified our family years ago, February 5th is the day that solidified Vedder and Grandad's bond. They are best friends, and this moment is something they will have for the rest of their lives.


((SIDENOTE: I would also like to thank my parents. Not every family has the amount of love that ours does and I am so grateful for everything you have taught and shown me. It is because of your love and parenting - and our arguments, my rebellion, and your forgiveness - that has truly molded me into the mom I am today. I would be so lost without your constant love and guidance. Thank you for never giving up and always showing me that family is the strongest bond there is. Blood does not make a family, the people in it do. I am so proud to be your daughter.))

Funny thing happened on the way to see Santa..

..Well actually, on the way home after seeing Santa. 

Our two and a half year old was in full Scrooge mode last night yelling "no Santa! No tree! No lights!" for our annual holiday walk through Manhattan last night. Despite a few tantrums and obviously not at all being humbled with holiday spirit, we made it through the night with a few nice photos. 

On our way home we had to stop to grab Vedder a new sippy cup for bedtime. This is when full meltdown mode began. Trying to be calm and talk him through it didn't work, so the "no toys, trains or tv" came into play. We made our exit out of the store, grabbed slices to-go for dinner and headed home. There the three of us began to calm down and slowly unwind. While eating dinner this little voice said "Mumma, I want to say sorry to dada" (he had hit during his tantrum an hour before and that's when the "no toys when we get home" went into effect). I said "Ok. Dada is sitting right here. You can tell him" With these big puppy dog eyes and a little soft, shaky voice, Vedder said "So sorry Dada I hit." Our hearts exploded! He was beginning to think about his actions and was coming to apologize on his own! THIS IS HUGE! Michael and I smiled and looked at each other. We shared that "F-- yeah! We got this parent thing down pat!" 

That was until we heard what he said next. 

With out even breathing. "ok sorry Dada. Now I play trains" 

What? You just pulled that to get what you want and not because your mumma and dada have instilled compassion and the concept of learning right from wrong in you?!?! Damn it! That little sh-t! Are you kidding me? Two and a half and he' already calculating "I'm sorry so I can get my way." I was sure we had at least ten more years before the mischievous calculating went on in that little brain of his. 

No he didn't get toys or trains or tv. But he did knock down our parenting ego a notch. 

And now I can't help thinking that my karma is coming back to me.. in full force.  Damn it. 

Sorry, mom. 

The weekend we just lived.

I like to think I'm a good mom. I make time each night after work to sit and play, read or even watch TV with my son. I teach preschool during the day and then at night bring home exciting surprises like ABC flash cards to play with or play dough for of course fine motor. (Neither of these things does he truly care about but someday my future Harvard Grad will thank me.) On weekends I get no housework done because I would rather take Vedder all over the city discovering new things. We go to music class, the park, museums. I snap photos of our every adventure and post our moments on instagram and Facebook. Then the "likes" and comments come rolling in and I smile that people think these moments are as beautiful as I do. This past weekend was different. My last post was of a very happy toddler hamming it up in his car seat ready for his first official getaway with just mumma and daddy. Last post at 8 pm Friday night, goodbye new york and your busy streets. hello vermont and your amazingness, read the caption.

Now for some of you you're probably thinking "And? So you went a weekend without posting on Facebook? So what?" Others know how hard that task actually is. (I do have to admit, I did sneak in one instagram post on our car ride home Monday afternoon) I'm not an addict. I could probably go a week without posting no problem. But for my husband who believes I truly have an addiction, I made a promise not to post or even check Facebook for an entire weekend. I never thought it would actually have a serious impact. But it did.

Instead of instantly sharing funny, beautiful, or aggravating moments with my family online, I just lived them. I looked for no comments or likes or any sort of gratification via social networking. I just lived the moments, still snapping pictures, but it ending with that. Then I continued living.

In one moment, I tried to capture the perfect family photo and got aggravated because I couldn't stand the way my husband was unenthusiastically smiling and the way my face looked because the wind was blowing my hair everywhere. Vedder continued to just sit there smiling his ass off and of course looked perfect in every picture. This session ended with me and Michael screaming at each other and Vedder teaching himself how to hit the button and run to the couch before the timer finished and the camera flashed. This lightened the mood and we lived on.

Maybe it was the wine tasting earlier in the day mixed with the beers we were drinking, but in another moment I forgot about me and was just Mumma. Sitting at a table at Long Trail Brewery while having dinner, I bent towards Vedder, and he ran his car from my shoulder over my head back and forth creating a tangled mess. He laughed hysterically as I made obnoxiously exaggerated squeaks of "What are you doing to mumma? There's a car on my head!" I remember reading a mom's blog about getting in the picture. No matter that she hadn't lost the baby weight or didn't have makeup on or her hair done, she got in the picture with her son. This is exactly what I thought of as two matchbox cars rolled over my head, back and forth. When I would usually sit back and quickly fix my hair and find something else to entertain Vedder, I instead just sat there, with cars in my hair. Vedder isn't going to remember what my hair looked like, and to be honest, probably won't even remember the moment at all. But in the moment he laughed "haha mumma! Cars!" repeatedly and I will never forget it.

Our last moment of our family vacation was definitely less than perfect. As we settled back in at home, unpacking and getting ready for the work week, Vedder got ready for bed. Michael asks me where Ted (Vedder's bear that goes absolutely EVERYWHERE) is. As we begin to search, we both get a bad feeling. He was left in the rental car. I frantically called Hertz while Michael continues to search the house. No one was answering. There was a few inches if snow already on the ground and the wind was whipping more snow around. Not to mention it was freezing out. No hope. What if he fell out in the street while we unpacked the car? We went out to search. He had to be in the car. NO ONE IS FUCKING ANSWERING!! We were freaking out. Vedder was just sitting watching Backyardigans, having no clue the chaos and stress going on around him. Michael put his shoes and jacket on and walked 28 blocks in the snow to the rental car company. I put Vedder to bed trying to distract him with a bottle, a few bunched up blankets and other stuffed animals in hopes that he would be to distracted to notice Ted was gone. Five minutes later "Is Ted? Ted? Is Ted?" I called my parents and cried. After an hour or so waiting at Hertz, Michael called. "Got him!" He was found outside the old rental under inches of snow. I was so happy I cried again.

Three days of traveling, eating, playing in the snow, shopping, cooking, taking pictures, laughing, loving, loosing Ted and then finding him. Three days of living together as a family of three and nothing else. In all its craziness it was perfect.

And now as I share these moments on my blog, Facebook and twitter, you're probably thinking? Well what's the point, you just contradicted yourself by writing this entire post. The point of my weekend wasn't giving up ever sharing photos and stories. It was just giving up instantly sharing them. This weekend allowed me to live the moments, appreciate them and reflect on them. And then share with the world :)

Detachment parenting

With all of this hoopla about attachment parenting going around, everyone seems to be an expert on how to raise kids. Well, everyone except me. I have no clue what I'm doing.

Before I became a mum I had it all figured out. "My son will NEVER sleep with us." "I will not put my child in front of the tv at such an early age." "I will only feed my child 100% natural, organic everything." Ha! I do feed him all natural, healthy food, but when an organic apple is $7 more than a "regular" apple, I'm going to be cheap. And when sitting him in the walker in front of Yo Gabba Gabba means I can actually pee without a little human trying to crawl on to my lap, then "listening and dancing to music is AWESOME!"

Even after Vedder was born, I still stuck by my guns in not letting him sleep with us.. for like the first few months. Going against every doctors' order, I began to nap with my little man. Then when teething started, so did the co-sleeping. I guess I could have used the excuse that I was trying to bond with my child and let him know that mama and daddy are going to be here throughout all the pain he's going through. But that really had very little to do with him sleeping with us. It was more like "Wait, if he sleeps with us, we'll sleep through the night ((for the most part)) and not have to get up 100 times and walk to his room to comfort him and feel like a normal human in the mornings again?? LETS DO IT!" It was, for the most part, a selfish decision. I'm not saying I totally regret it; I did sleep well for a while and the cuddle time was priceless. But now, ten months old, 26 lbs, and a linebacker in training, those cuddle sessions at night have turned into pulled hair, jabs to the ribs, and enormous headaches in the morning that resemble hangovers, without the joy of actually drinking. And Vedder, he wakes up happy and energetic as ever, not realizing ((or maybe realizing)) he was training for MMA in his sleep using Michael and I as punching bags.

So, let the sleep training begin!!

This started out as awful as you probably think. Friday night was Vedder's first night out of mum and dada's bed. Cold turkey. Which means, I slept on the floor in his room while he woke up every hour and cried in his crib until I brought him down to sleep with me on the floor at 4 am. Saturday night I went to bed at 8pm by myself. When I woke up Sunday morning and walked out to the living room, my only assumption, looking down at Vedder and my husband sleeping on the floor, was that Saturday night went alot like Friday night. And Sunday night? Yep. Same as Friday and Saturday.

So after a weekend of no sleep, I turned to the only reputable source that I knew would offer me the greatest advice. Facebook.

Status Update:

Last night Vedder slept on the living room floor with Michael. Tonight, he's sleeping on his bedroom floor with me. As soon as he is asleep we try to transfer him to his crib but he wakes up screaming. No more in mama and daddy's bed, but the floor with us is just as bad!! How do we get him sleeping in his own crib again?! ((yes, I know we should have done this months ago..and months ago he was sleeping fine in his crib. Then teething happened))

Sometimes I really miss the nights when my late night statuses would be drunken slurs of song lyrics and how I am making memories I will never remember with friends I'll never forget. 

Ugh. Parenthood. 

Then I waited. But not long. The advice came flooding in via comments, messages, emails and texts. General consensus: Cry It Out! The overwhelming empathy was reassuring. There were also multiple responses to my post encouraging co-sleeping, that it benefits the child and solidifies the parents bond, and I shouldn't feel guilty. I dont feel guilty that I'm sleeping with him. I know he'll eventually learn to sleep on his own. And, like I said before, my reasons for bedsharing were more selfish than maternal.

So we decided to do the "cry it out method" mixed with our own twist on the "happiest baby on the block" method. But since my maternal heart strings get plucked every time I hear Vedder cry, my husband took bedtime duty for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Monday night, we kept our pre-bed routine the same. Pjs. Bottle. Book. Then Michael took Vedder and I stayed away. From the other room I could hear some grunts of protest. My husband ended up rocking him to sleep with music playing, then put him in the crib. He woke up at 1:30 and 2:30, then slept until 6:30. Tuesday we decided no more rocking. We also altered his naps during the day ((45 min am nap & 2 hour pm nap)). I am thinking this was a major change that needed to be made as well. At night we kept the same pre-bed time routine as always. Then Michael swaddled him tight, like we do for naps, turned on the music, and turned off the lights. A few cries but after five minutes, Vedder was fast asleep. I think he may have woken up once or twice in the middle of the night and up for good at 7 am. Wednesday was Michael's last night of bedtime duty for the week. And boy did he go out with a bang!! Normal bedtime routine. Swaddle. Music. Out like a light!! Then not a peep until 7 am on Thursday. Since I had bedtime on Thursday night it went similarly, except I got a few whines, but sleep quickly after and thru the night.

Our one week of sleep training was a complete success!! Not only by the end of 7 days were we getting full nights of sleep, but so was Vedder. I think this had a MAJOR effect on his day at daycare too ((less tears, more playing)).

Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that these full nights last..

Race you to the park??

Most of my posts have been about the good mixed with the bad. I am finding it very therapeutic to write about the difficult things of becoming a parent. I very rarely ((if ever)) want to ask for help. And when I feel overwhelmed and write, getting responses from people about how they feel the same way makes this chaos feel a little more normal.

However this post is only about the good. Actually the GREAT!! This morning Vedder and I went to music class where we sang and wiggled wih about 20 other families. Clapping and singing away the case of the Mondays. And now I am sitting in the park writing this blog while Vedder takes a nap in his stroller. The sun is shining and it's 70 degrees out. By the way, it's March 19th. As soon as he decides to wake up he will have a bottle and then we will go play on the slide and swings. This is one of my most favorite parts of being a parent, being able to be a kid again.

Having a child gives you so many great excuses. Don't want to go out? "Oh no. We can't get a babysitter." ((which sometimes back fires when you do want to go out and really cannot get a babysitter)) Want to leave a family party early before all the usual family drama goes into effect? "Gotta get baby home to bed!!" But my favorite excuse that I use so often it is starting to create a problem: "Household chores? Cleaning? Laundry? Dishes? They can wait. Baby wants to go outside and play!!" I am a daycare teacher and more often then not find my energy skyrocketing on the walk home from work due to excitement about being able to roll around and play with Vedder. I get so excited, like a kid, when I see the forecast for the week and know that it is quite possible that the park and zoo could fill up very day in the week.

And while the dirty clothes may start to pile higher than my son when he's standing, it's ok because we'll be outside everyday this week so we won't have to see all the laundry.

Race you to the park??

Happy Spring, Everyone!!

Dinner for Two

In the few month before I was pregnant, I was the skinniest and healthiest I had been in my life, weighing 128lbs . Like always right?? Then this miracle comes along that you couldn't be happier about, but brings with it added hormones, pains, and weight. And extra 43 lbs to be exact. After I had my linebacker of a baby at 9lbs 4oz, I had lost 1/3 of the baby weight just in delivery. I was psyched! By the middle of September I had lost half the baby weight. I was taking zumba classes, going on daily walks with Vedder and on my way back to that fun, fit girl I was before the bun in the oven. Then the winter months rolled in. And like most women, I blamed my plateau-ing of weight loss to the holidays. But now it's March. And I'm gaining weight again!! Yes I've checked a million times, scared to death. And no I'm not pregnant again, thank the universe!! But what is it?? I'm just as active. Back to work part time, still going to daily walks, even using what little arm strength I do have to carry a stroller up and down subway stairs a few times a week.
Then it hit me. Even though I wasn't eating ice cream everyday anymore like I did my entire pregnancy ((Mr Softee chocolate soft serve with a cherry dip)), I was still eating for two. Everyday. And I don't have the excuse that I need more calories because of breastfeeding, since my son takes formula. I try to portion myself. And over all I eat healthy: whole grains, veggies and fruit, chicken, and very little red meat. But five minutes after a normally portioned meal I am starving and feel that I need to eat all over again!!
Many other moms I have talked to have sympathetically said "you only had Vedder seven months ago! Its taken me years to finally get the baby weight off." And while comforting to know that the struggle I'm experiencing is normal, it doesn't change the fact that I have three weddings this summer, two of which I am a bridesmaid in a short, flirty, summer dress.
So come on, Stomach, shrink back to the tiny size you were summer 2010!! ...oh wait, its not that easy.. ok maybe I should try something else then..

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A baby is not just a cute accessory.

It's comical how upsetting the news of Snooki's pregnancy made me. Not that I don't think she will be a fit mother. I don't know her personally, nor do I really care to watch Jersey Shore, but I'm sure like most reality tv shows its not as "real" as it may seem.
What made me most upset was how society today sees children as accessories. Again, not that Snooki herself is seeing her pregnancy in this way, however this is how media and society is viewing it. "Will she give up the Jersey Shore for good?" "No more wild nights at Karma for Snooks." "Snooki's giving up the drinks and having a little meatball of her own." Funny how every media outlet is talking about how sad it'll be for her to give up the Jersey Shore and partying. Well, maybe not so much as funny, but sad how that's the focal point society is going with on this story.
I also have a strong strong distaste for those teen mom shows. I have never watched one and never will. I think that teenage pregnancy is not something that our society should be praising and celebrating. While I know a few ladies who were teenagers when they had their babies and are excellent, supportive and amazing mothers, I also know most of them will say it was far from easy. And that they didn't have MTV knocking on their door when their little one arrived. Girls now a days are becoming younger and younger mothers. Yes children are fabulous. Yes the feeling of being a mother is the most rewarding, fulfilling thing in the world. Yes after I had my son my heart feels like it could burst with all of the love I feel everyday. But no, not everyday is easy. No, I do not have the same relationship with my husband I did before Vedder was born. No, my heart isn't the only thing that bursts. Sometimes it's my eyes full of tears because I feel so overwhelmed I can't speak and just cry. These are things young women don't think about before they get knocked up. With that said, I know a few precious little ones who came from "oopsies" who are probably among the most loved children in the world. But society today takes parenthood as the new fad. The thing to do. Everyone is getting pregnant. You should to! I'm sorry to break the news to you girls.. A baby is not a cute accessory.
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Me became we, then became he.

While I did dedicate this blog to writing about the good and the bad that comes with parenthood, I don't think I realized just how hard it would be. To write I mean. I have kind of settled with the reality of how hard actual parenthood is. I have many saved drafts of posts that I just cannot seem to finalize. And the one below I think has taken the most time, and is still a difficult learning challenge we are living with daily as parents now.

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Me became we, then became he. 

The past six months have been, for lack of a better metaphor, a rollercoaster. From the highs of seeing our infant grow into this babbling amazing personality-filled baby, to the lows of post-partum and hormonal change, it has all been an experience. However, no one told us that we would lose ..us.

Since the day Vedder was born my heart has never felt so full!! At the same time, I have never felt such heartache. Michael and I found that we were no longer husband and wife. We were Mama and Daddy. Our conversations about life were only about Vedder. Even though they were great conversations about how we cannot imagine life without him, they were only about him. Then there were the fights. I am a Leo. I am stubborn and loud and always right. I think fighting in a relationship is just as important as loving. Both very passionate emotions and with enough balance are essential to a passionate relationship. However, after a baby the fighting definitely out weighs the loving. I resented my husband for being able to leave every morning to go to work while I was on maternity leave. He got an hour to himself on the way to work and an hour on the way home to listen to his ipod, read the newspaper, or just be alone. I was never so happy to hear his keys in the door so I could take ten minutes to shower. The sleepless nights, the heartache of not being able to breastfeed, and the pain of a healing c-section were all so hard to deal with. Then I would look at this absolutely beautiful life we made and feel so guilty for all the bad feelings. Then again I would look at Michael and blame him, regardless if he deserved it, for me feeling so emotionally messed up!!

Then one afternoon while the baby cried and changing, feeding, and rocking didn't work, and Michael got aggravated and I yelled, we finally realized it. "Now I know why people get divorced," Michael said. Now reading this you may be thinking Oh no!! That's so sad. However, that isn't what I thought at all. I thought, "yes, you're right!" Don't jump to any conclusions. We are NOT getting divorced. Not even close!! If anything this revelation we had actual cleared things up and put us on the path back to husband and wife. It was then that we realized we had lost our way and needed to make changes as parents and spouses to avoid the "D" word.

Now as Vedder nears seven months, we are not completely back to normal. Nor do we think we ever will be. We have changed as individuals and as a couple since our little chunk came into our lives last summer. We have accepted that change and are now embracing it. Getting back to the new us is an everyday effort. The challenge of starting a family, raising a child, and keeping a marriage is huge but totally worth it. Moments like right now. Me curled up on the couch typing my blog with Michael and Vedder playing on the floor in front of me. All of us are smiling and life feels full.

Me plus He and Baby makes Three. 

look back on the first six months

Today my baby boy is six months old. SIX MONTHS OLD!! A few days ago my husband and I sat and watched videos from when Vedder was first born. While our 20lb linebacker-in-training slept in the other room, Michael and I couldn't begin to remember how he looked coming into our lives only a half year ago. So much has changed in our lives in those few months.

This blog post is more for me, to reflect on where the HELL the time has gone and how my little Lang went from a dream come true in my tummy to a little man sitting up on his own with two teeth!!

JULY 31, 2011
Michael and I packed a bag and took the N train to the 6 train to Mount Sinai Manhattan. I was admitted at 10 p.m. and in a last stitch effort to have a natural pregnancy I blasted music on my lullabelly and danced around the hospital halls.

AUGUST 1, 2011
I was induced around 1 a.m. Long story short, after being in labor for 18 hours, the doctors informed me the baby was stuck and I would be brought into the OR for surgery. At 7:48 p.m. Vedder Ron Lang was born and our lives changed forever.

AUGUST 5, 2011
After being in the hospital for a little over four days, it was time for Michael and I to head home plus one.

And while I was more than thrilled to finally get my Little Lang home to see everything we have prepared for him over the past few months, NO ONE could have prepared me for what it was going to be like. Looking back now on those first few days home alone ((Michael had to head back to work right after I got out of the hospital)) it all seems like such a blur with a lot of "WTF" mixed in.

AUGUST 8, 2011
Vedder's First Pediatric Appointment ((also known as Mama & Daddy's first chance to ask the doctor "What the hell are we doing??")) Of course, Vedder was 100% healthy and growing in the 95 percentile. Way to go little man!!

SEPTEMBER 1, 2011
Vedder turns 1 month!!

Like I said, that first month was a blur, filled with friends and family visiting, the overwhelming reality of overnight feedings equaling never sleeping again, and his first full smiles melting all other aggravations away. At his first month check-up, Vedder weighed 11 lbs 8 oz, and once again growing healthy and strong. By this point I was breastfeeding less and less. Vedder never really latched so I was pumping which became such an emotional and physical struggle. So with every ounce of my being, I had to unwillingly make a decision to stop supplementing and feed him strictly formula. To this day, this decision is still hard for me to deal with.

SEPTEMBER 27-OCTOBER 3, 2011
We went on our first road trip as a family!!

Michael and I have done the 4 1/2 hour drive between NYC and Plymouth, MA many times, probably combined over 30 times back and forth in the past 4 years. However, with a baby it is a TOTALLY different story. The drive was the same. Vedder slept through the whole thing. One thing we did not account for was what a 5 hour nap will do to a baby. We arrived in Plymouth around midnight and when he awoke to have a bottle at that time, he was ready to party!! It ended up taking us 3 days to get him back on schedule. Our stay was only 5 days. By the time we got back to NYC, I think it took all three of us two weeks to get back to normal. ((Thankfully our second road trip went a LOT smoother.))

While in Massachusetts, we had play dates with new friends, met a lot of family, saw the ocean for the first time, and went apple picking.

OCTOBER 4, 2011
Vedder's 2 month appointment!! Our chunk weighed in at 14lbs 1oz!! Around this time he also began teething. Drool, drool, everywhere!!

OCTOBER 18, 2011

After almost three months off, I headed back to work. Because of it being financially cheaper, I have only gone back to work part time. This was a very bittersweet moment. As much as I loved being home with my little one all day, I am not the type of person that can just be a stay-at-home mom. I give those women A LOT of credit! My ADHD wouldn't allow me to be a productive stay-at-home. I found that I was able to appreciate my time home with Michael and Vedder much more when I was away for the day. With that said, I actually RUN home to see them everyday. It's such a great feeling. 

OCTOBER 29-31, 2011
OUR FIRST HALLOWEEN!! I love Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. How can you not love dressing up  with the reward of candy!! For the past few years, of course, I have taken the more "adult" route with a skanky costume and a blurry night with friends ((even 2010, when just two weeks later we found out that a little Lang was baking in my oven)). For Vedder's first Halloween costume we couldn't decide for weeks. Pumpkin? Every baby is a pumpkin. Monkey? Cute, but still common. Then I saw it. The cutest costume and so fitting since I call him my little toots. A skunk! All together we had two great weekends filled with holiday festivals, parties, and of course walking around with trick or treaters! A fabulous first Halloween!!

November 12, 2011

We got our first set of family photos done at Sculpture Park in Queens. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and a very interesting experience trying to get a 2 1/2 month old to sit still for pictures. I am guessing that it will probably just get even more difficult as he gets older. However, we got some amazing candid photos of our little chunk.

NOVEMBER 24-28, 2011

Because Daddy works every Thanksgiving, Vedder and I decided to take a mama & baby trip to Plymouth to see my family for the holiday weekend. It was the first time traveling alone with a baby and I am thrilled to say it went FANTASTIC! We took Amtrak from Penn Station to South Station, Boston. The ride was amazing and the people working on the train were so unbelievably helpful! We had a blast!

This trip was much more relaxing than the last to Massachusetts. I was able to enjoy the beautiful New England fall weather and walk along the waterfront a few times, showing Vedder where mama grew up.

DECEMBER 5, 2011

Miracle on 34th Street. We took Vedder to meet Santa and he loved him!! While there were many children screaming and crying around us, Vedder kept starting at the dancing and singing bears and blinking lights. When it came time to actually head in to meet him, I had prepared myself for a breakdown. Instead we got all smiles and such a rewarding experience. 

DECEMBER 22, 2011
Vedder cuts his first tooth!! Let the fussiness and sleepless nights begin!!


DECEMBER 24-29, 2011
Christmas celebration all around. From Queens to Manhattan to Massachusetts, it was a full few days of celebrating Vedder's first Christmas with family and friends. And while the presents were plentiful, I think Vedder enjoyed the food the most. Christmas Eve was the start to solids and so many fantastic photo-ops!!

DECEMBER 30, 2011
Not-so-Little Lang's 5th month appointment was successful weighing in at 18lbs 10oz!!


JANUARY 1, 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

JANUARY 12, 2012
More sleepless nights and tears equal the welcoming of tooth #2!!


FEBRUARY 1, 2012
My little baby boy is not so little anymore. This 20lb Chunka is rolling around and becoming the new boss of our apartment. He has a new play area, sleeps in his own room now, and loves playing hide-and-seek. His once little coos are now loud belly laughs and happy screeches. 

Mama and Daddy are beyond in love with our amazing boy and so excited for the next six months!!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Where do the stockings go?

One dilemma Michael and I have faced trying to create as much holiday spirit as possible for our child ((who's only 4.5 months and has no clue what's going on, but we're mostly just ironing out the kinks for next year)) is the hanging of the stockings. Growing up, our house had a fireplace, so there was no real concern as to where the stockings would go. Michael's mother made a makeshift fireplace on the bureau in the living room, where he and his siblings hung their stockings. Now we are left with a sort of predicament as to where Vedder will hang his.

Even though I think it is fine that he leave it for santa under the tree, I dont want him to just find it there in the morning with the rest of the presents. It was always a part of christmas tradition growing up that we first got to open our stockings. Then my parents would make us eat breakfast before opening all those taunting presents under the tree. While as a child it seemed like cruel and unusual punishment, now looking back, it made the magic of christmas morning last just a little bit longer. So now, while I cursed my parents for making me do this throughout my childhood, I will be enforcing this same tradition on to my inevitably aggravated child.

We thought of the idea of Santa hiding his stocking, to make for a fun game. However, with our apartment being essentially four rooms - living/dining room/kitchen, our bedroom, Vedder's bedroom, and bathroom- there really isn't many places to "hide." Michael also suggested doing a makeshift fireplace like his mom did. I'm pulling a scrooge on that one, since we do not have a similar bureau in our "living room." Also, because the less I have to do or make around the holidays, the better. We also had the idea of having Santa hanging the filled stocking on the bedroom door. The latter is what we will be doing this year, while we search for more ideas for years to come.

Who knew that the lack of a highly un-child-friendly household furnishing would create such a problem at year's end.

Happy Holidays!!

Occupying Sesame Street

I find myself as of late torn between two worlds. Part of me ((the liberal hippie hearted part)) wants to do nothing but stand down on Wall Street, marching up to Bloomberg's residence, and demand that Amercia's 1% start giving a damn!! The other part of me ((the new mom part)) knows that I am now only back to work part time, cutting coupons, and budgeting to make a better life for my child whether the 1% gives a crap or not. Protesting, while emotionally and morally fulfilling to me, will not put clothes on my child, pay rent, or buy food and formula.  For now I will stand on my viral soap box and yell "Damn the Man!! Save the Empire!!" while I cancel my Bank of America account.

I cannot help but think 10-15 years from now, when my child is in school learning about the Unites State government and certain political movements, will he be learning about "Occupy Wall Street?" Will his teacher ask him to go home and ask his parents "Where were you when...?" The freebird spirit in me wishes I could say, "Yes, Vedder, I was there! And so were you!! Wrapped up close to my chest, while I held a sign that said 'GIVE A SHIT! if not for us, then for the kids!'" But this protective mother bear persona I have now taken on since giving birth knows that there is no way I would ever put him into potential harms way for the sake of making a statement, or really for the sake of anything at all. So instead I will smile and say, "While some stood down on Wall Street singing chants demanding for a better life for themselves, I stood in our kitchen holding the life I just made singing along to Sesame Street on vinyl." And I will be perfectly fine with that answer.

Daddy Daycare

Today I am getting ready for our first roadtrip as a threesome to Massachusetts for the week. This is a trip Michael and I have been making six to eight times a year, but never with a little one. Making lists of everything we need for Vedder, I feel like we are packing the entire nursery!! But as first time parents, I'd rather be safe than sorry. ((Even though I know that packing stuffed animals for a seven week old is a little much, but I just cannot seem to get myself to take them out of the bag.))

Taking a bit of a break this morning, I picked up my Parenting Magazine and began to read. Skipping over some articles (("Family Unplugged," because I'm denying all thoughts of how my attachment to my blackberry may be borderline unhealthy)), I came across a page titled "The Okay Dad." Written by a father, it talks about how most fathers just consider themselves to be "okay" at parenthood. In a big orange circle in the middle of the page, reads a very frightening statistic: 6.5 HOURS - AVERAGE TIME MARRIED FATHERS SPEND CARING FOR THEIR KIDS PER WEEK. This makes me so sad!!

The article also pointed out the fact that the percentage of fathers who do not live full time with their children has sharply risen over the past 50 years. This statistic made me even sadder!! Both my husband and myself grew up in what some people call "broken homes." Divorce, custody battles, visitation, splitting holidays, fill memories of parts of our childhoods. Fortunately, my mother remarried to a man, uniting two families and fixing our "broken home." ((Little Known Fact: At the age of 13, I went to court to legally change my last name from Turner to my "step" fathers last name. More Widely Known Fact: I hate writing "step" because I consider him to be the only father I have ever had.)) I also think this is why both Michael and I put alot of pressure on ourselves to be the absolute best parents we can be. I especially think my husband is his worst critic.

Getting back to the article, it also stated "More than half of dads say fathers are replaceable by mothers and other me." MORE THAN HALF!! I see my husband everyday interact with our amazing son and to think that he could be replaced my anyone upsets me. Especially having a son, I consider the father's role to be even more crucial. I think already the time he has had with his son is critical to the growth of both Vedder as a child and Michael as a father and man.

After this vacation in New England, we will head back to New York and I will head back to work. As much as I am going to miss my daytime with my already chatty newborn, I am very excited to get back to work, even if it is only parttime. Whenever this topic gets brought up, the first questions people ask are "Where will Vedder go? Will he come to work with you?" I respond with "He is staying home with daddy." As awful as it is having opposite schedule from my husband, it allows us to save on childcare and offers the opportunity for Daddy Daycare three days a week. It warms my heart to know that we have been giving the opportunity, for atleast Vedder's first year, that Mama and Daddy will be doing the raising. I know this is not the case for most families ((my job is being a daycare teacher)), that is why I feel so fortunate to have our situation. It makes me so happy after reading this article to know that Michael will be be blowing the daddy care time statistic out of the water. Three days with Daddy, four days with Mama, six nights together as a family. I am so excited for the childhood memories that will be made with both of us and Vedder, together and separate.

The Dating Scene

Four years ago, I was newly single and enjoying my first few months of freedom to their fullest extent. Friday nights were dedicated to my girls. After a long week of work, getting dressed up and my drink on was the highlight of my week. I was 23 years old and soaking up all the bar scene had to offer. Meeting guys, exchanging numbers, going out on dates. The single life dating scene was fun and carefree for me. I knew I didn't want to get serious, especially so soon after ending a very long term relationship, so there was never any hesitation. I dated here and there and just enjoyed each day ((or night)) for what it was. The only draw back was how exhausted ((hungover)) this type of dating scene got after a while.

In February 2008, I agreed to go on my first real blind date. Having absolutely no clue what this guy looked like, or really anything about him besides he was 6 years older and from New York, it was the first time a date actually made me nervous. Long story short, the date went great and we saw each other three more times that week. Then five months later we were engaged and a year later married. Now three years later we have a beautiful baby boy. Having those single days far behind I have found that the dating scene doesn't really go away. It just changes. Instead of purses and heels, it's diaper bags and flats. Instead of bottle of jameson, it's bottles of formula. And instead of meeting guys that could be prospective dating material out at bars, it's meeting moms that could be prospective playdate material out at baby classes or the playground.

The biggest difference between these two dating scenes for me is that the latter makes me nervous. The whole playdating scene is a bit uncomfortable for me. Years ago I was open to dates with any type of guy. I had no real "type" ((except in my single days the bad boys were always much more appealling)). Now I feel very concerned already about who I will chose to have playdates with. My concern is not really for me. I love meeting new people and can hold a conversation with a wall. But for my son. Who is this mother? How does she raise her children? How will our families click? Will this relationship encourage or stunt my child's growth? Those once "bad boys" I would gravitate towards were now what I worried my son will turn into if he hangs out with the "wrong crowd." Granted I am very well aware that he is only six weeks old. I just tend to over think things now and want what's absolutely best for my son. ((Boy, don't I sound just like my mother!!))

I have left the dating scene of "me" and ventured into the dating scene of "we."