Last week I posted on my parenting facebook page, Little Lives ((www.facebook.com/lifewithlittlelang)), asking people to tell me about how they named their child. I gave a quick overview of how we wanted our son to have a musical name and added a list of names we were considering. Then I stated when he was born my husband turned to me and said "Vedder," after Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam, and that was it. His name is Vedder Ron. Ron after my papa.
But so much more goes into naming a child than just saying "I like this name" or "Let's name him after this family member/musician/influential figure." While I was pregnant, when ever people asked if we had a name picked out I would always say, "We have a few, but we're waiting to see him to decide a definite." Which was true. But really I wanted to say, "I have no clue and I'm putting it off until he is born because I cannot decide what to name him because no matter what I pick he will be stuck with it for the rest of his life and I am not sure I can handle such a crazy responsibility!" Yes, that long run-on sentence was exactly what was going through my mind every time some one asked. And yes, I do know that the actual parenting and raising a child is a much bigger responsibility, but for some reason I was more understanding of that than I was of picking a name. I couldn't get over the fact that I was naming a HUMAN!
And public opinion did not help at all. When people would ask about names would we're contemplating, the looks we would get after we told them were, for the majority, puzzled. Michael and I had chosen names like Harrison, Lennon, Vedder, Hendrix, and Bohnam. All, of course, after very influential and amazing musical artists. We decided early on we wanted our child to have a different name. My husband, Michael, and I, Caitlin, have very common names. As individuals we do not find ourselves so "common." Music has been a big part of both of our lives and we wanted to incorporate that somehow in the name. Everyone had their opinion of course, which doesn't make the task of naming a human any easier! Many people thought our son's name should have been Michael, after my husband of course, and my father. Michael and I nipped that one in the bud real quick. We both new we wanted him to come into this world his own person. So chosing a last name from someone influential seemed to be fun, different, and unique.
While we had a list of names, we also had our own favorites. Michael loved Vedder from the beginning, and mine was Hendrix. Cobain was another choice we had, being my husband's musical idol, but then comes the explaining to the child how his name came about and who we named him after. Vedder is a very distinct name. It is actually not even Eddie Vedder's real last name. It is his mother's maiden name that he took on. Eddie as a musician and philanthropist is something I can proudly say I support. Standing up for human rights, against odds and voicing his opinion very publicly, but also peacefully, is very much like myself. His screaming Rock'n'Roll heart, well that is my husband. So in the end naming him something different was more a part of us than we originally thought.
...And his middle name, Ron, after my papa... Well that is a whole other blog post in itself. Let's just say if Vedder even has half the heart and spirit my papa did, he will one day change this world as we know it.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Me became we, then became he.
While I did dedicate this blog to writing about the good and the bad that comes with parenthood, I don't think I realized just how hard it would be. To write I mean. I have kind of settled with the reality of how hard actual parenthood is. I have many saved drafts of posts that I just cannot seem to finalize. And the one below I think has taken the most time, and is still a difficult learning challenge we are living with daily as parents now.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Me became we, then became he.
The past six months have been, for lack of a better metaphor, a rollercoaster. From the highs of seeing our infant grow into this babbling amazing personality-filled baby, to the lows of post-partum and hormonal change, it has all been an experience. However, no one told us that we would lose ..us.
Since the day Vedder was born my heart has never felt so full!! At the same time, I have never felt such heartache. Michael and I found that we were no longer husband and wife. We were Mama and Daddy. Our conversations about life were only about Vedder. Even though they were great conversations about how we cannot imagine life without him, they were only about him. Then there were the fights. I am a Leo. I am stubborn and loud and always right. I think fighting in a relationship is just as important as loving. Both very passionate emotions and with enough balance are essential to a passionate relationship. However, after a baby the fighting definitely out weighs the loving. I resented my husband for being able to leave every morning to go to work while I was on maternity leave. He got an hour to himself on the way to work and an hour on the way home to listen to his ipod, read the newspaper, or just be alone. I was never so happy to hear his keys in the door so I could take ten minutes to shower. The sleepless nights, the heartache of not being able to breastfeed, and the pain of a healing c-section were all so hard to deal with. Then I would look at this absolutely beautiful life we made and feel so guilty for all the bad feelings. Then again I would look at Michael and blame him, regardless if he deserved it, for me feeling so emotionally messed up!!
Then one afternoon while the baby cried and changing, feeding, and rocking didn't work, and Michael got aggravated and I yelled, we finally realized it. "Now I know why people get divorced," Michael said. Now reading this you may be thinking Oh no!! That's so sad. However, that isn't what I thought at all. I thought, "yes, you're right!" Don't jump to any conclusions. We are NOT getting divorced. Not even close!! If anything this revelation we had actual cleared things up and put us on the path back to husband and wife. It was then that we realized we had lost our way and needed to make changes as parents and spouses to avoid the "D" word.
Now as Vedder nears seven months, we are not completely back to normal. Nor do we think we ever will be. We have changed as individuals and as a couple since our little chunk came into our lives last summer. We have accepted that change and are now embracing it. Getting back to the new us is an everyday effort. The challenge of starting a family, raising a child, and keeping a marriage is huge but totally worth it. Moments like right now. Me curled up on the couch typing my blog with Michael and Vedder playing on the floor in front of me. All of us are smiling and life feels full.
Me plus He and Baby makes Three.
Since the day Vedder was born my heart has never felt so full!! At the same time, I have never felt such heartache. Michael and I found that we were no longer husband and wife. We were Mama and Daddy. Our conversations about life were only about Vedder. Even though they were great conversations about how we cannot imagine life without him, they were only about him. Then there were the fights. I am a Leo. I am stubborn and loud and always right. I think fighting in a relationship is just as important as loving. Both very passionate emotions and with enough balance are essential to a passionate relationship. However, after a baby the fighting definitely out weighs the loving. I resented my husband for being able to leave every morning to go to work while I was on maternity leave. He got an hour to himself on the way to work and an hour on the way home to listen to his ipod, read the newspaper, or just be alone. I was never so happy to hear his keys in the door so I could take ten minutes to shower. The sleepless nights, the heartache of not being able to breastfeed, and the pain of a healing c-section were all so hard to deal with. Then I would look at this absolutely beautiful life we made and feel so guilty for all the bad feelings. Then again I would look at Michael and blame him, regardless if he deserved it, for me feeling so emotionally messed up!!
Then one afternoon while the baby cried and changing, feeding, and rocking didn't work, and Michael got aggravated and I yelled, we finally realized it. "Now I know why people get divorced," Michael said. Now reading this you may be thinking Oh no!! That's so sad. However, that isn't what I thought at all. I thought, "yes, you're right!" Don't jump to any conclusions. We are NOT getting divorced. Not even close!! If anything this revelation we had actual cleared things up and put us on the path back to husband and wife. It was then that we realized we had lost our way and needed to make changes as parents and spouses to avoid the "D" word.
Now as Vedder nears seven months, we are not completely back to normal. Nor do we think we ever will be. We have changed as individuals and as a couple since our little chunk came into our lives last summer. We have accepted that change and are now embracing it. Getting back to the new us is an everyday effort. The challenge of starting a family, raising a child, and keeping a marriage is huge but totally worth it. Moments like right now. Me curled up on the couch typing my blog with Michael and Vedder playing on the floor in front of me. All of us are smiling and life feels full.
Me plus He and Baby makes Three.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
look back on the first six months
Today my baby boy is six months old. SIX MONTHS OLD!! A few days ago my husband and I sat and watched videos from when Vedder was first born. While our 20lb linebacker-in-training slept in the other room, Michael and I couldn't begin to remember how he looked coming into our lives only a half year ago. So much has changed in our lives in those few months.
This blog post is more for me, to reflect on where the HELL the time has gone and how my little Lang went from a dream come true in my tummy to a little man sitting up on his own with two teeth!!
JULY 31, 2011
Michael and I packed a bag and took the N train to the 6 train to Mount Sinai Manhattan. I was admitted at 10 p.m. and in a last stitch effort to have a natural pregnancy I blasted music on my lullabelly and danced around the hospital halls.
AUGUST 1, 2011
I was induced around 1 a.m. Long story short, after being in labor for 18 hours, the doctors informed me the baby was stuck and I would be brought into the OR for surgery. At 7:48 p.m. Vedder Ron Lang was born and our lives changed forever.
AUGUST 5, 2011
After being in the hospital for a little over four days, it was time for Michael and I to head home plus one.
And while I was more than thrilled to finally get my Little Lang home to see everything we have prepared for him over the past few months, NO ONE could have prepared me for what it was going to be like. Looking back now on those first few days home alone ((Michael had to head back to work right after I got out of the hospital)) it all seems like such a blur with a lot of "WTF" mixed in.
AUGUST 8, 2011
Vedder's First Pediatric Appointment ((also known as Mama & Daddy's first chance to ask the doctor "What the hell are we doing??")) Of course, Vedder was 100% healthy and growing in the 95 percentile. Way to go little man!!
SEPTEMBER 1, 2011
Vedder turns 1 month!!
Like I said, that first month was a blur, filled with friends and family visiting, the overwhelming reality of overnight feedings equaling never sleeping again, and his first full smiles melting all other aggravations away. At his first month check-up, Vedder weighed 11 lbs 8 oz, and once again growing healthy and strong. By this point I was breastfeeding less and less. Vedder never really latched so I was pumping which became such an emotional and physical struggle. So with every ounce of my being, I had to unwillingly make a decision to stop supplementing and feed him strictly formula. To this day, this decision is still hard for me to deal with.
SEPTEMBER 27-OCTOBER 3, 2011
We went on our first road trip as a family!!
Michael and I have done the 4 1/2 hour drive between NYC and Plymouth, MA many times, probably combined over 30 times back and forth in the past 4 years. However, with a baby it is a TOTALLY different story. The drive was the same. Vedder slept through the whole thing. One thing we did not account for was what a 5 hour nap will do to a baby. We arrived in Plymouth around midnight and when he awoke to have a bottle at that time, he was ready to party!! It ended up taking us 3 days to get him back on schedule. Our stay was only 5 days. By the time we got back to NYC, I think it took all three of us two weeks to get back to normal. ((Thankfully our second road trip went a LOT smoother.))
While in Massachusetts, we had play dates with new friends, met a lot of family, saw the ocean for the first time, and went apple picking.
OCTOBER 4, 2011
Vedder's 2 month appointment!! Our chunk weighed in at 14lbs 1oz!! Around this time he also began teething. Drool, drool, everywhere!!
OCTOBER 18, 2011
OCTOBER 29-31, 2011
OUR FIRST HALLOWEEN!! I love Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. How can you not love dressing up with the reward of candy!! For the past few years, of course, I have taken the more "adult" route with a skanky costume and a blurry night with friends ((even 2010, when just two weeks later we found out that a little Lang was baking in my oven)). For Vedder's first Halloween costume we couldn't decide for weeks. Pumpkin? Every baby is a pumpkin. Monkey? Cute, but still common. Then I saw it. The cutest costume and so fitting since I call him my little toots. A skunk! All together we had two great weekends filled with holiday festivals, parties, and of course walking around with trick or treaters! A fabulous first Halloween!!
NOVEMBER 24-28, 2011
This blog post is more for me, to reflect on where the HELL the time has gone and how my little Lang went from a dream come true in my tummy to a little man sitting up on his own with two teeth!!
JULY 31, 2011
Michael and I packed a bag and took the N train to the 6 train to Mount Sinai Manhattan. I was admitted at 10 p.m. and in a last stitch effort to have a natural pregnancy I blasted music on my lullabelly and danced around the hospital halls.
AUGUST 1, 2011
I was induced around 1 a.m. Long story short, after being in labor for 18 hours, the doctors informed me the baby was stuck and I would be brought into the OR for surgery. At 7:48 p.m. Vedder Ron Lang was born and our lives changed forever.
After being in the hospital for a little over four days, it was time for Michael and I to head home plus one.
AUGUST 8, 2011
Vedder's First Pediatric Appointment ((also known as Mama & Daddy's first chance to ask the doctor "What the hell are we doing??")) Of course, Vedder was 100% healthy and growing in the 95 percentile. Way to go little man!!
SEPTEMBER 1, 2011
Vedder turns 1 month!!
Like I said, that first month was a blur, filled with friends and family visiting, the overwhelming reality of overnight feedings equaling never sleeping again, and his first full smiles melting all other aggravations away. At his first month check-up, Vedder weighed 11 lbs 8 oz, and once again growing healthy and strong. By this point I was breastfeeding less and less. Vedder never really latched so I was pumping which became such an emotional and physical struggle. So with every ounce of my being, I had to unwillingly make a decision to stop supplementing and feed him strictly formula. To this day, this decision is still hard for me to deal with.
SEPTEMBER 27-OCTOBER 3, 2011
We went on our first road trip as a family!!
Michael and I have done the 4 1/2 hour drive between NYC and Plymouth, MA many times, probably combined over 30 times back and forth in the past 4 years. However, with a baby it is a TOTALLY different story. The drive was the same. Vedder slept through the whole thing. One thing we did not account for was what a 5 hour nap will do to a baby. We arrived in Plymouth around midnight and when he awoke to have a bottle at that time, he was ready to party!! It ended up taking us 3 days to get him back on schedule. Our stay was only 5 days. By the time we got back to NYC, I think it took all three of us two weeks to get back to normal. ((Thankfully our second road trip went a LOT smoother.))
While in Massachusetts, we had play dates with new friends, met a lot of family, saw the ocean for the first time, and went apple picking.
OCTOBER 4, 2011
Vedder's 2 month appointment!! Our chunk weighed in at 14lbs 1oz!! Around this time he also began teething. Drool, drool, everywhere!!
OCTOBER 18, 2011
After almost three months off, I headed back to work. Because of it being financially cheaper, I have only gone back to work part time. This was a very bittersweet moment. As much as I loved being home with my little one all day, I am not the type of person that can just be a stay-at-home mom. I give those women A LOT of credit! My ADHD wouldn't allow me to be a productive stay-at-home. I found that I was able to appreciate my time home with Michael and Vedder much more when I was away for the day. With that said, I actually RUN home to see them everyday. It's such a great feeling.
OCTOBER 29-31, 2011
OUR FIRST HALLOWEEN!! I love Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. How can you not love dressing up with the reward of candy!! For the past few years, of course, I have taken the more "adult" route with a skanky costume and a blurry night with friends ((even 2010, when just two weeks later we found out that a little Lang was baking in my oven)). For Vedder's first Halloween costume we couldn't decide for weeks. Pumpkin? Every baby is a pumpkin. Monkey? Cute, but still common. Then I saw it. The cutest costume and so fitting since I call him my little toots. A skunk! All together we had two great weekends filled with holiday festivals, parties, and of course walking around with trick or treaters! A fabulous first Halloween!!
November 12, 2011
We got our first set of family photos done at Sculpture Park in Queens. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and a very interesting experience trying to get a 2 1/2 month old to sit still for pictures. I am guessing that it will probably just get even more difficult as he gets older. However, we got some amazing candid photos of our little chunk.
NOVEMBER 24-28, 2011
Because Daddy works every Thanksgiving, Vedder and I decided to take a mama & baby trip to Plymouth to see my family for the holiday weekend. It was the first time traveling alone with a baby and I am thrilled to say it went FANTASTIC! We took Amtrak from Penn Station to South Station, Boston. The ride was amazing and the people working on the train were so unbelievably helpful! We had a blast!
This trip was much more relaxing than the last to Massachusetts. I was able to enjoy the beautiful New England fall weather and walk along the waterfront a few times, showing Vedder where mama grew up.
DECEMBER 5, 2011
Miracle on 34th Street. We took Vedder to meet Santa and he loved him!! While there were many children screaming and crying around us, Vedder kept starting at the dancing and singing bears and blinking lights. When it came time to actually head in to meet him, I had prepared myself for a breakdown. Instead we got all smiles and such a rewarding experience.
DECEMBER 22, 2011
Vedder cuts his first tooth!! Let the fussiness and sleepless nights begin!!
DECEMBER 24-29, 2011
Christmas celebration all around. From Queens to Manhattan to Massachusetts, it was a full few days of celebrating Vedder's first Christmas with family and friends. And while the presents were plentiful, I think Vedder enjoyed the food the most. Christmas Eve was the start to solids and so many fantastic photo-ops!!
DECEMBER 30, 2011
Not-so-Little Lang's 5th month appointment was successful weighing in at 18lbs 10oz!!
JANUARY 1, 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
JANUARY 12, 2012
More sleepless nights and tears equal the welcoming of tooth #2!!
FEBRUARY 1, 2012
My little baby boy is not so little anymore. This 20lb Chunka is rolling around and becoming the new boss of our apartment. He has a new play area, sleeps in his own room now, and loves playing hide-and-seek. His once little coos are now loud belly laughs and happy screeches.
Mama and Daddy are beyond in love with our amazing boy and so excited for the next six months!!
Vedder cuts his first tooth!! Let the fussiness and sleepless nights begin!!
DECEMBER 24-29, 2011
Christmas celebration all around. From Queens to Manhattan to Massachusetts, it was a full few days of celebrating Vedder's first Christmas with family and friends. And while the presents were plentiful, I think Vedder enjoyed the food the most. Christmas Eve was the start to solids and so many fantastic photo-ops!!
DECEMBER 30, 2011
Not-so-Little Lang's 5th month appointment was successful weighing in at 18lbs 10oz!!
JANUARY 1, 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
JANUARY 12, 2012
More sleepless nights and tears equal the welcoming of tooth #2!!
FEBRUARY 1, 2012
My little baby boy is not so little anymore. This 20lb Chunka is rolling around and becoming the new boss of our apartment. He has a new play area, sleeps in his own room now, and loves playing hide-and-seek. His once little coos are now loud belly laughs and happy screeches.
Mama and Daddy are beyond in love with our amazing boy and so excited for the next six months!!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Ho! Ho! Ho! Where do the stockings go?
One dilemma Michael and I have faced trying to create as much holiday spirit as possible for our child ((who's only 4.5 months and has no clue what's going on, but we're mostly just ironing out the kinks for next year)) is the hanging of the stockings. Growing up, our house had a fireplace, so there was no real concern as to where the stockings would go. Michael's mother made a makeshift fireplace on the bureau in the living room, where he and his siblings hung their stockings. Now we are left with a sort of predicament as to where Vedder will hang his.
Even though I think it is fine that he leave it for santa under the tree, I dont want him to just find it there in the morning with the rest of the presents. It was always a part of christmas tradition growing up that we first got to open our stockings. Then my parents would make us eat breakfast before opening all those taunting presents under the tree. While as a child it seemed like cruel and unusual punishment, now looking back, it made the magic of christmas morning last just a little bit longer. So now, while I cursed my parents for making me do this throughout my childhood, I will be enforcing this same tradition on to my inevitably aggravated child.
We thought of the idea of Santa hiding his stocking, to make for a fun game. However, with our apartment being essentially four rooms - living/dining room/kitchen, our bedroom, Vedder's bedroom, and bathroom- there really isn't many places to "hide." Michael also suggested doing a makeshift fireplace like his mom did. I'm pulling a scrooge on that one, since we do not have a similar bureau in our "living room." Also, because the less I have to do or make around the holidays, the better. We also had the idea of having Santa hanging the filled stocking on the bedroom door. The latter is what we will be doing this year, while we search for more ideas for years to come.
Who knew that the lack of a highly un-child-friendly household furnishing would create such a problem at year's end.
Happy Holidays!!
Even though I think it is fine that he leave it for santa under the tree, I dont want him to just find it there in the morning with the rest of the presents. It was always a part of christmas tradition growing up that we first got to open our stockings. Then my parents would make us eat breakfast before opening all those taunting presents under the tree. While as a child it seemed like cruel and unusual punishment, now looking back, it made the magic of christmas morning last just a little bit longer. So now, while I cursed my parents for making me do this throughout my childhood, I will be enforcing this same tradition on to my inevitably aggravated child.
We thought of the idea of Santa hiding his stocking, to make for a fun game. However, with our apartment being essentially four rooms - living/dining room/kitchen, our bedroom, Vedder's bedroom, and bathroom- there really isn't many places to "hide." Michael also suggested doing a makeshift fireplace like his mom did. I'm pulling a scrooge on that one, since we do not have a similar bureau in our "living room." Also, because the less I have to do or make around the holidays, the better. We also had the idea of having Santa hanging the filled stocking on the bedroom door. The latter is what we will be doing this year, while we search for more ideas for years to come.
Who knew that the lack of a highly un-child-friendly household furnishing would create such a problem at year's end.
Happy Holidays!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
a hard look in the mirror
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
It's all I can do not to scream some days. At myself, not anyone else. You'd think 2.5 months later, equaling out to about 600+ bottles, I'd be used to it by now. But I'm not. I've got the hang for being a mom, learning to tell the difference between my son's cries, and keeping him on a healthy growing track of the 95th percentile. I can handle juggling my job, my husband's job, and family time ((the little that we do get)). I am doing great at keeping everyday life interesting for my three month old, making sure he's meeting his milestones, and getting out of the apartment at least once a day for fresh air. With all of this, feeling like I have sacrificed my entire life, my art and photography, and my marriage, I'd still do it all the same. I absolutely love everything I have given up for this little one. I only have one major regret. And it kills me everyday.
I hate hate hate more than anything I have ever done in my life, that I gave up breast feeding my baby. The pregnancy and delivery were nothing I planned on them being. Being pumped with drugs and having my son come into this world in the most unnatural way possible was hard for me to deal with. However, I could care less about those things now. I just wanted some part of the beginning of his life to be au natural. Breastfeeding was the only thing I could have probably controlled. But I gave up. He wouldn't latch. Pumping became a very painful and difficult task. It was an emotionally draining and mentally exhausting journey those few weeks I tried to keep supplementing. But then I just gave up. Now I am kicking myself every day.
I cry reading friend's posts and blogs about their sleepless nights because of feedings. I would give up sleep for that now. I also get emotional reading other mom's blogs about how they still breast feed their 18 month olds. Before, I would have thought this was absolutely insane. Once a child can walk up to you and say "I want mama milk" I would think that's when to pull the boob. However, now I want to be that woman. I don't care if people would look at me as that crazy mom. Given the chance, I'd do it. A few weeks ago I was in Babies-R-Us, in the little separate area for women to change and feed their babies. As I bottle fed my absolutely beautiful and content baby boy, a woman sat next to me with her daughter, who was nine months. She whipped out her boob and started feeding. And I started crying. In the middle of Babies-R-Us, next to a complete stranger, I stared down at my son and cried. In my head I was saying, "I'm so sorry. I love you so much and want to be the best mother to you. But selfishly I gave up feeding you like that because I couldn't deal. I could've just sucked up my own feelings and pain and kept pumping and kept trying to get you to latch. It's a bond now you and I will never have and I'm so sorry for that. I am so so sorry."
Now even though our pediatrician reassures up again and again that Vedder is growing amazingly in the 95th percentile, I cannot help but think my selfish decisions have hurt him. The doctor has told both me and my husband that our son is impeccably healthy. His verbal skills are even beyond his level and he's as "strong as an ox." But I keep thinking, What if I just tried harder and dealt with the pain? How much farther along would he be? I am not a person who has really ever lived her life asking "what if." I have always just done what I wanted, taking chances, blowing down barriers, because if I didn't try then, what if would rule my life. And now that is exactly what it is doing.
I have written this blog not for a need for sympathy or even apathy. I am just a new mom and this is the journey most of us are thrown onto - the crash course of parenthood that we are supposed to just figure out while holding a fragile life in our arms and not fumble. Making sacrifices is a daily norm for parents. My parents did it. Their parents did it. And so on. But what if I sacrificed the wrong thing, his health for my emotional sanity? This is just something that I struggle to forgive myself for. And probably will for a while, maybe forever..
It's all I can do not to scream some days. At myself, not anyone else. You'd think 2.5 months later, equaling out to about 600+ bottles, I'd be used to it by now. But I'm not. I've got the hang for being a mom, learning to tell the difference between my son's cries, and keeping him on a healthy growing track of the 95th percentile. I can handle juggling my job, my husband's job, and family time ((the little that we do get)). I am doing great at keeping everyday life interesting for my three month old, making sure he's meeting his milestones, and getting out of the apartment at least once a day for fresh air. With all of this, feeling like I have sacrificed my entire life, my art and photography, and my marriage, I'd still do it all the same. I absolutely love everything I have given up for this little one. I only have one major regret. And it kills me everyday.
I hate hate hate more than anything I have ever done in my life, that I gave up breast feeding my baby. The pregnancy and delivery were nothing I planned on them being. Being pumped with drugs and having my son come into this world in the most unnatural way possible was hard for me to deal with. However, I could care less about those things now. I just wanted some part of the beginning of his life to be au natural. Breastfeeding was the only thing I could have probably controlled. But I gave up. He wouldn't latch. Pumping became a very painful and difficult task. It was an emotionally draining and mentally exhausting journey those few weeks I tried to keep supplementing. But then I just gave up. Now I am kicking myself every day.
I cry reading friend's posts and blogs about their sleepless nights because of feedings. I would give up sleep for that now. I also get emotional reading other mom's blogs about how they still breast feed their 18 month olds. Before, I would have thought this was absolutely insane. Once a child can walk up to you and say "I want mama milk" I would think that's when to pull the boob. However, now I want to be that woman. I don't care if people would look at me as that crazy mom. Given the chance, I'd do it. A few weeks ago I was in Babies-R-Us, in the little separate area for women to change and feed their babies. As I bottle fed my absolutely beautiful and content baby boy, a woman sat next to me with her daughter, who was nine months. She whipped out her boob and started feeding. And I started crying. In the middle of Babies-R-Us, next to a complete stranger, I stared down at my son and cried. In my head I was saying, "I'm so sorry. I love you so much and want to be the best mother to you. But selfishly I gave up feeding you like that because I couldn't deal. I could've just sucked up my own feelings and pain and kept pumping and kept trying to get you to latch. It's a bond now you and I will never have and I'm so sorry for that. I am so so sorry."
Now even though our pediatrician reassures up again and again that Vedder is growing amazingly in the 95th percentile, I cannot help but think my selfish decisions have hurt him. The doctor has told both me and my husband that our son is impeccably healthy. His verbal skills are even beyond his level and he's as "strong as an ox." But I keep thinking, What if I just tried harder and dealt with the pain? How much farther along would he be? I am not a person who has really ever lived her life asking "what if." I have always just done what I wanted, taking chances, blowing down barriers, because if I didn't try then, what if would rule my life. And now that is exactly what it is doing.
I have written this blog not for a need for sympathy or even apathy. I am just a new mom and this is the journey most of us are thrown onto - the crash course of parenthood that we are supposed to just figure out while holding a fragile life in our arms and not fumble. Making sacrifices is a daily norm for parents. My parents did it. Their parents did it. And so on. But what if I sacrificed the wrong thing, his health for my emotional sanity? This is just something that I struggle to forgive myself for. And probably will for a while, maybe forever..
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Occupying Sesame Street
I find myself as of late torn between two worlds. Part of me ((the liberal hippie hearted part)) wants to do nothing but stand down on Wall Street, marching up to Bloomberg's residence, and demand that Amercia's 1% start giving a damn!! The other part of me ((the new mom part)) knows that I am now only back to work part time, cutting coupons, and budgeting to make a better life for my child whether the 1% gives a crap or not. Protesting, while emotionally and morally fulfilling to me, will not put clothes on my child, pay rent, or buy food and formula. For now I will stand on my viral soap box and yell "Damn the Man!! Save the Empire!!" while I cancel my Bank of America account.
I cannot help but think 10-15 years from now, when my child is in school learning about the Unites State government and certain political movements, will he be learning about "Occupy Wall Street?" Will his teacher ask him to go home and ask his parents "Where were you when...?" The freebird spirit in me wishes I could say, "Yes, Vedder, I was there! And so were you!! Wrapped up close to my chest, while I held a sign that said 'GIVE A SHIT! if not for us, then for the kids!'" But this protective mother bear persona I have now taken on since giving birth knows that there is no way I would ever put him into potential harms way for the sake of making a statement, or really for the sake of anything at all. So instead I will smile and say, "While some stood down on Wall Street singing chants demanding for a better life for themselves, I stood in our kitchen holding the life I just made singing along to Sesame Street on vinyl." And I will be perfectly fine with that answer.
I cannot help but think 10-15 years from now, when my child is in school learning about the Unites State government and certain political movements, will he be learning about "Occupy Wall Street?" Will his teacher ask him to go home and ask his parents "Where were you when...?" The freebird spirit in me wishes I could say, "Yes, Vedder, I was there! And so were you!! Wrapped up close to my chest, while I held a sign that said 'GIVE A SHIT! if not for us, then for the kids!'" But this protective mother bear persona I have now taken on since giving birth knows that there is no way I would ever put him into potential harms way for the sake of making a statement, or really for the sake of anything at all. So instead I will smile and say, "While some stood down on Wall Street singing chants demanding for a better life for themselves, I stood in our kitchen holding the life I just made singing along to Sesame Street on vinyl." And I will be perfectly fine with that answer.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Broadway vs the Beach
So let me start this blog off with a little story. Yesterday I was leaving Barnes & Nobles in Manhattan when a woman stopped me. She asked me if I was a New Yorker because she needed directions. I gladly gave her directions to the Met which was only 3 blocks away. However by doing this, she labeled me a "New Yorker." I do not consider myself one at all. I love my New Yorker husband who was born and raised and has lived 31 out of 33 years of life here, but marrying him doesn't make me one too. I am a New Englander. Plain and simple.
Now that I have said that, living here in NYC definitely impacts the way we are raising our son. He is only 12 weeks old but has already adapted to the lifestyle. Sleeping through fire engine sirens and the horn of the Amtrak train that flies by our apartment. Smiling at the screeching breaks of the approaching trains in the subway. Calmly sitting in his stroller while mama bumps up and down the stairs of our apartment building. All of these things I believe he has inherited from his dad. Me not so much.
Where as Michael grew up ten blocks away from our current apartment, it feels like sometimes I grew up worlds away from it. Plymouth, Massachusetts is not the middle of nowhere. Like NYC, it is filled with tourists coming to see the "foundation" of this country, America's Hometown. And while Rockafeller Center may be impossible to walk through from early November until after the new year, Plymouth can hold its own in the tourist industry, especially around Thanksgiving. That said, I don't believe that the population of Plymouth would even fill the first 20 floors of the Empire State Building.
I grew up in a neighborhood. Not like anything here in the boroughs. A place where we would have block parties with all the families. BBQs, bike races, camping in the back yard, getting lost in the woods between houses, coming home for dinner when my mom would ring a bell. Yes. That is right. My dad hung this big cast iron cow off the back porch that had a bell hanging from it and when we heard it ring we would run home from where ever we were in the neighborhood. My dad also would bake homemade chocolate chip cookies every Friday when he got home from work, and me, my sister and brother would always have friends over. We had a tree fort in our back yard and when we were old enough, were allowed to ride our bikes down the road to Bramhall's Country Store to get ice cream. No, I did not grow up in the olden days. This was only ten to fifteen years ago.
Fast forwarding to now, 2011, living in Queens, NY, I do not see myself raising my son in the same way I was raise. This sometimes really makes my heart hurt. Years ago I never even imagined ever having children, nevermind worrying so much about how I would raise them. I, myself, have definitely adapted well to the "city life." I love not having a car, being able to walk a few blocks to get everything I need, having fresh fruit and veggie carts at every corner. I like being able to walk eight blocks to my job, and the convenience of being able to get pretty much anything you need 24 hours a day. However, it kind of sucks knowing I won't be able to just ring a bell for my son to come home from playing in the street with the neighborhood kids. ((There DEFINITELY isn't any "playing in the street" here.)) And he won't be able to go play in the woods, or even in a yard for that matter, without having to walk 24 blocks to the nearest park.
I know this probably sounds absolutely ridiculous. I am laughing at myself as I type this. Plymouth is not worlds away from Queens. It is actually only a 4.5 hour drive! I look at the surroundings of my childhood and the surroundings of my husband's, and they are just very different. Part of me feels like my son is going to miss out on alot not being able to grow up like I did. Another part of me is excited for him to experience a city that has so much more than was ever offered to me in a small town. There is a lot of different culture here, from museums to even the corner deli. But Plymouth has great history, too. While NYC is the mecca for the most different types of art, it is small towns on Cape Cod that inspire such beautiful works. Where Manhattan offers a great enviroment for those business people with the need for speed ((well maybe not in this economy right now)), New England offers that slower, simpler life of many family owned businesses that towns are founded on. All my thoughts of raising a child seem to be caught up in a vicious cycle of this vs. that, here vs. there, Broadway vs. the beach.
Now that I have said that, living here in NYC definitely impacts the way we are raising our son. He is only 12 weeks old but has already adapted to the lifestyle. Sleeping through fire engine sirens and the horn of the Amtrak train that flies by our apartment. Smiling at the screeching breaks of the approaching trains in the subway. Calmly sitting in his stroller while mama bumps up and down the stairs of our apartment building. All of these things I believe he has inherited from his dad. Me not so much.
Where as Michael grew up ten blocks away from our current apartment, it feels like sometimes I grew up worlds away from it. Plymouth, Massachusetts is not the middle of nowhere. Like NYC, it is filled with tourists coming to see the "foundation" of this country, America's Hometown. And while Rockafeller Center may be impossible to walk through from early November until after the new year, Plymouth can hold its own in the tourist industry, especially around Thanksgiving. That said, I don't believe that the population of Plymouth would even fill the first 20 floors of the Empire State Building.
I grew up in a neighborhood. Not like anything here in the boroughs. A place where we would have block parties with all the families. BBQs, bike races, camping in the back yard, getting lost in the woods between houses, coming home for dinner when my mom would ring a bell. Yes. That is right. My dad hung this big cast iron cow off the back porch that had a bell hanging from it and when we heard it ring we would run home from where ever we were in the neighborhood. My dad also would bake homemade chocolate chip cookies every Friday when he got home from work, and me, my sister and brother would always have friends over. We had a tree fort in our back yard and when we were old enough, were allowed to ride our bikes down the road to Bramhall's Country Store to get ice cream. No, I did not grow up in the olden days. This was only ten to fifteen years ago.
Fast forwarding to now, 2011, living in Queens, NY, I do not see myself raising my son in the same way I was raise. This sometimes really makes my heart hurt. Years ago I never even imagined ever having children, nevermind worrying so much about how I would raise them. I, myself, have definitely adapted well to the "city life." I love not having a car, being able to walk a few blocks to get everything I need, having fresh fruit and veggie carts at every corner. I like being able to walk eight blocks to my job, and the convenience of being able to get pretty much anything you need 24 hours a day. However, it kind of sucks knowing I won't be able to just ring a bell for my son to come home from playing in the street with the neighborhood kids. ((There DEFINITELY isn't any "playing in the street" here.)) And he won't be able to go play in the woods, or even in a yard for that matter, without having to walk 24 blocks to the nearest park.
I know this probably sounds absolutely ridiculous. I am laughing at myself as I type this. Plymouth is not worlds away from Queens. It is actually only a 4.5 hour drive! I look at the surroundings of my childhood and the surroundings of my husband's, and they are just very different. Part of me feels like my son is going to miss out on alot not being able to grow up like I did. Another part of me is excited for him to experience a city that has so much more than was ever offered to me in a small town. There is a lot of different culture here, from museums to even the corner deli. But Plymouth has great history, too. While NYC is the mecca for the most different types of art, it is small towns on Cape Cod that inspire such beautiful works. Where Manhattan offers a great enviroment for those business people with the need for speed ((well maybe not in this economy right now)), New England offers that slower, simpler life of many family owned businesses that towns are founded on. All my thoughts of raising a child seem to be caught up in a vicious cycle of this vs. that, here vs. there, Broadway vs. the beach.
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