Monday, February 1, 2016

To our second child, I didn’t want you.

To our second child, I didn’t want you.

To be honest, I never imagined having any children. However, when I got pregnant with your brother, I realized there was a hole in my heart that only a child could fill. And I only needed one child to fill it.

I have always been a one-and-done mama. This is not something I am ashamed to admit to you. Or to anyone. That hole, void, that I didn’t even know existed has been filled for the past four years. Over-filled is actually a better description. Your brother has filled my heart so much that on most days it feels like it could burst!

Your dad, however, has felt much differently. He has nothing less than begged for you for the past four years. Then he got your brother on board.

I soon realized that even though my void had been filled, and what I found balance in as a trio, was not our reality. There were still holes that needed filling in their hearts. It became clear that there wasn’t a perfect balance anymore. There was longing and a need for you.

While I maybe didn’t want you, it is obvious now that we need you.

So now you’re here. Well, here with me, and soon to be with everyone else in a few months. And this whole journey has made me so confused. I thought everything was perfect, but then it didn’t seem like it anymore. I thought life was balanced, but then it seemed off. We have grown to have a routine as a trio, and now we will have a new reality to get used to. I also thought my heart was filled, but now I feel like the Grinch. My heart is growing and growing and sometimes I’m not sure I can handle it. I feel like the day I hold you it will most definitely burst.

To our second child, I need you.

I need you to set the balance right again. I need you to fit in the place where something went missing. I need you to complete our family. I need you to love, hold, kiss, and grow. Most importantly, I need to thank you for the hope you have brought to us now, and the adventures you will bring to us soon.

To our second child, I love you, and we cannot wait to meet you soon. 


Our littlest Lang, "Baby Beijo," is due to join us in August 2016.


  1. Yay! Congrats, mama! Love this so much!

  2. This is, you are incredible. To be able to be so honest and put it out there for so many other moms that feel the same way, but are not able to express it or ashamed of feeling that way, yes Cait, you are incredible.

  3. Mazel tov! This is very beautifully put. It's amazing, isn't it, the holes we didn't know we had? Brightest blessings.