Changing the World

As of recently, I have really come to dislike signing onto Facebook. While I love all the photos of friends getting married, starting families, traveling, hanging with their cool pets, and eating at delicious restaurants, those are not the only things filling up my news feed. Arguments about the correct views on current events and issues that the world is facing, blatant ignorance and hatred through "funny" posts belittling others for their choice of lifestyle, and the destruction of the human bond of compassion between individuals because of their differences. This is what I see more and more. And it makes me what to scream.. and cry. Instead of taking opportunities to educate themselves on the ever-changing world, people are stuck throwing out hatred for what they chose not to believe in. I am a huge supporter of different views. If everyone lived the same, looked the same, acted the same, what a boring and one dimensional life this would be for all of us. How would we grow?

I recently saw someone I love, who is very close to me, post a passive aggressive picture in which belittled one individual's courage to emphasize another's. I got very emotional about this. While I understand and respect our difference of opinions, for me to see such a hurtful and negative post to "get the point across" was baffling to me.

So I started to write. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote strong words of anger, of opposition, and I felt myself sinking into a very negative space. So I deleted everything and begin to write from a different perspective. I needed to say something. I needed the negativity to stop. I needed to feel like I could change what the world is going through right now. So I started to write as a mother.

I thought about blocking and deleting what bothered me on facebook. But how can I live like that? It's not realistic for me to stop seeing the negative. That doesn't void it out and make it not still very much alive. Being a parent gives me many opportunities to take the negativeness of the world and change it. Even if it's only through one child.

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Being a parent gives me a chance to raise a human in a really difficult world to be grateful for his opportunities and to also use them to help and encourage others. I can help the universe create an open-minded, strong, and supportive individual, even when.. especially when the world seems to sometimes lack those qualities.

I can help him help others. I can teach him how important it is to respect himself, others, and most of all the earth. His opinions and views are not the only ones filling the world, but if he works hard enough and cares deeply enough, he can use his thoughts, feelings and ideals to make the world a better place.

I can show him how, even though he may not live through certain tragedies, his heart can ache and break with those who are living it. I can let him know it's okay to stand up against something if he truly thinks it is wrong. And more importantly, to stand strongly with those he believes in.

I can hold him when he cries and help him understand when he is angry. I can share tears and laughter with him, and explain how each are very cathartic. I can show him how a hug can heal and a smile can save.

I can show him that family is not just made of blood, but of a lifetime of bonds.

I am able to teach him that judgement is not for him to give, or for him to take to heart. That education is one of the strongest tools he will be given. And that his heart is the strongest thing he will be able to give.

I can tell him that love and acceptance do not come with terms and conditions.

I can encourage him to be brave in whatever it is he needs to do, and let him encourage others in their own bravery.

I can show him that life takes people to all different places, and when another's path crosses his, to cherish it. It may join him for a while or remain a quick crossroad he goes through; I can teach him how both are equally just as important.

I can teach him not only to say "thank you," but to feel truly thankful.

I can try to help him understand when sometimes people hurt one another. This one will be something him and I continue to learn the rest of our lives.

But most importantly, I can show him he has a voice, and that his life will reflect how he chooses to use it.

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Ok, buddy, let's go. We are going to change the world.

Cliff Jumping

This post is a little less about parenthood and more of an announcement. However, at the same time, after being a parent, any risk you take is a learning experience for you and your whole family..

Almost ten years ago was the first time I ever jumped off of a cliff. I was 21 years old and in Jamaica. I remember deciding to take the chance and my heart up in my throat as I stepped to the edge. Full of fear, excitement and the unknown, I jumped.

Now almost a decade later, I am standing again with my toes dangling off the edge. The height is much more that forty feet now; it is immeasurable. And what was probably three seconds of thought before my first jump, has now turned into three months of readying myself. The longer you have to think, the more fear comes. You begin to question yourself a lot more. When jumping off a literal cliff as soon as you yell "I'm gonna do it!" you have others around you cheering you. It is the same when you announce your figurative jump.. kind of. Just as much cheering and support, but you have a lot more time to think about it.

I will stop babbling, because that is what I tend to do, while throwing in a ton of metaphors to make me feel a little less scared. 

So now I jump. 

I am leaving my full time job of teaching. I will end the school year at an amazing school with supportive staff and loving families and the routine of a classroom that is filled with children's laughs.. and cries (let's be honest, we all know how kids are). I am leaving it all to take a leap into the fun, creative and uncertain world of freelance. 

I will be working a bit in theater, writing a lot more, creating art and filling my soul with so many things that I love so much. I am beyond excited and terrified of it all. 

And even though this is my blog for all things parent related, I found it appropriate to make this post here. I am thirty years old. And in my heart I feel again like that young, hopeful twenty-four year old who first moved to NYC. I have come to terms that I will probably remain living here in the city (at least for a while, maybe not forever) and I am going to make it mine. I want Vedder to know there is always room in life to create. Art, music, love, writings, inspiration. That is the point of all of this. To create anything and everything we can while we are here. Starting over is always an option. And it's always a positive thing. 

I am so excited, nervous, and inspired by this leap. 

Thank you all for your support! Family, friends, coworkers, and even acquaintances. You have all factored in somehow to this jump. 

Here is to new beginnings, new creations, and new possibilities.

Sometimes I look like Kanye.

I am not a huge fan of Kanye, but I cannot think of a better way to describe the look on my face every time someone asks me when I am going to have another child.

Better yet, when they tell me why I cannot have just one child. 

I get told this a lot. 

It is amazing to me how many people, especially women who are already mothers, have such a strong opinion on the subject. It's bad enough I have a male dominated government deciding what should or shouldn't happen to my body. Now women are trying to take that choice away from me too. From coworkers to family to friends to complete strangers. Literally everyone has an opinion on the vacancy of my uterus. 

And I get it. The concerns and comments only come from a place of love. 

But so does my decision to have one child. I have to defend this choice to so many people. Including my husband. 

My omission of wanting a second child is due to many different things. And I find myself having to go through this checklist with everyone that thinks "Vedder CANNOT go through life without a sibling."  

First, I don't want another kid. To be honest, I never saw myself as a mother in the first place. But things happen. I  am now the mother of one of the most kick-ass kids ever! (I may be biased.) And I'm totally cool with that. I love being his mumma. My heart is so overwhelmed sometimes knowing this child loves me so much and so unconditionally. It's great! It's completely enough for me. 

Second, I live in NYC. I know many families here that do have two or more children here in the city, and I give more power to them. I do not have that power. Nor do I have that money. 

Third, big changes are coming for me career wise. I absolutely do not think it selfish at all knowing that having another child may keep these changes from happening. It's the truth. I would be putting my dreams on hold to have another kid. I'm not ready to make that sacrifice. I am perfectly ok with admitting that and feeling that way. I'm not ready to wait another few years to make these dreams happen.  They are happening now, and they will work around my family trio, and I couldn't be more thrilled. 

Finally, I have health issues surrounding reproductive organs. I have had endometriosis since I was a teenager and was just recently diagnosed with PCOS. I feel like yelling at women "You know those labor pains you felt? Yeah, they were nothing compared to what I feel monthly." But I don't (well, writing it, I guess now I do). In the next few months I will be making decisions that may keep me from being able to conceive in the near future. But that's for another time, maybe another post. 

For all of these reasons and more, I don't need the comments that I am depriving my child of a best friend. Have you met my child? He could make friends with a wall. (He takes after his mama like that.) 

I know that children, the number of or lack there of, will always be a topic among women, family, adults, or just people in general. I know everyone feels differently on the subject. My husband and I are two of those people. It's not as easy topic in our house. But like all families, we will work through it. 

(At the same time, I totally see the irony in myself when a friend tells me they're expecting their third or fourth kid and my reaction is to laugh and say "Good luck with that!") 

A family is not measured by how many people are in it. It can be three, four, five, or more. It can also be just two and I have the utmost respect for those families as well. A family cannot be measured at all because each one is so different. They are all made many different ways. The only common ingredient in all families is love. And that is really all that matters. 

What I gained this year

What did I gain this year? Weight. A lot of it. I would guess about fifteen pounds. And I'm not about to lose it.

God, no! I'm not pregnant.

I have made a list of ten things I want to do in 2015. Some vague, some specific. Some professional, some personal. Other just spontaneous and fun. None are to lose weight. I'm OK with that. I actually love it. Yeah, I tried here and there to lose a few pounds. Yes, I got really aggravated when my favorite jeans magically became much tighter over the course of a couple months. But over all I feel good. Even with some added muffin-top!

CONFESSION: My cousin got married in November. I was planning on wearing the same dress that I wore in January for my sister-in-law's wedding. Eleven months between the weddings. No biggie. Two days before flying to my cousin's in Florida, I tried on the dress, forcing the zipper to close. With a sharp pain to exhale, I could feel the zipper rip. Not only rip open but teeth breaking off of it. Obviously, I got overly emotional and upset. Not so much that I had gained weight and just ripped open the zipper of my dress, more that I was to fly out in two days and definitely didn't have time or money to get a new one! So I took it to the tailor's to see if they could fix it. They put on a wider zipper. I widened my dress. This would be depressing to most, but I'm not going to lie, I like it better now than I did in January. I looked damn good! I got an ass that just won't quit!

I am not saying that I plan on gaining more weight in 2015. I do have goals to eat healthier. Because the stack of Oreos I had for dinner last night isn't helping anyone. But to lose weight? No, not a priority. My sister is getting married this coming year. Normally for a wedding, my mentality would be to fast for the next six months and pray that I don't look like a whale in whatever bridesmaid's dress I would have to squeeze my ass into. However, I have the COOLEST sister who is allowing me to pick any dress I like. I don't have to match anyone, pick a certain style, have my whole body wrapped in satin and tulle. I can find a dress that flatters myself and no one else. Her only requirement is that the dress be white. ((Don't worry, Emily. My dream to Pippa Middleton your wedding went out the door with those extra six Oreos I ate last night.))

My favorite thing about my body? First, that it made a human! And a kick-ass one at that! I have 30 extra pounds, stretch marks and bags under my eyes to prove it! I have spent the past three years caring for his little growing body that mine has been on the sidelines. Not to say that it can't be done. Getting back to pre-baby is no longer a priority or necessity for me. I have tons of Facebook friends who post pictures proving that you can work out and be healthy with a kid. The healthy eating thing I have down. I am raising a self-proclaimed vegetarian. Although, like I said before, my own eating could be a bit better. But I love seeing these posts. The ones of friends doing yoga with their kids, becoming certified fitness instructors, posting meal plans and inviting me to join in on all the fun. This is one of the reasons I love Facebook. The sense of community and support is real. People reaching out to help others. It's amazing, and I'm thankful for it.

I am thirty years old. I am five feet tall. I weight about 160 pounds. This year I gained a new decade, no inches, and (possibly) fifteen pounds. Guess what else I gained..

I gained confidence in starting a new soul-healing journey (therapy).
I gained new experiences and failures.
I gained the feeling of accomplishment in many areas of my life.
I gained professional experiences in different fields of work, expanding my own networks.
I gained love, heartache, new friends, new family, and a whole lot of inspiration.

I plan on gaining much more from all of this in 2015. I am excited for what the next year will bring. I am excited for new adventures in all aspects of my life. I am excited to continue to show Vedder the many different sized packages happiness can come in.

Goodbye, 2014. I am so grateful for you.
Hello, 2015! Let's do this!!


((This post was originally written for Page A Day Project))

When Oz is Revealed

Over the past few days I have tried to put into words how Robin Williams' passing has affected me. No, I did not know him. I never even met him. But how cool would it have been to meet him?! His smile, comedy, and words however shaped many memories of my child- and young adulthood. Through movies like Aladdin, Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society, we discover themes of friendship, innocence of a child, family reality, life goals, love lost, and finding a voice.  To see all of these things is such an easy way to look at life. Many of us know this but not many of us actually live like this. Because it's easier for Hollywood to show us in an hour and a half these ideals, than for us to change our lives and influences. We all enjoy thought of ideals while the film is rolling, but after it is over go back to real life; actors do the same thing. 

With all of that said, Robin's death hits me so much harder than you could imagine. Not for the man on the screen, but the man behind it. We now all see that the great and mysterious Oz was just a small scared man behind the curtain standing and feeling so alone. That is what the disease of depression is. No money or fame or amount of people surrounding you can change that. 

On social media we throw up photos of all of our lives, the happiest moments at least, and statuses to make others laugh. Behind the screen, we are able to use our words to bring happiness, show our greatness, cast whatever judgement we feel empowered to, and hide other things we wish for the world not to know. People with depression can go through their whole life behind that curtain and no one could know what actual struggles they feel inside. 

I know all this because I have felt all of this. I have felt the sadness that even with my caring husband, beautiful son, amazingly supportive family and friends, there are days when I have felt so absolutely alone. There have been days when walking away from it all seemed like a good answer. Heartache that physically ached my chest. It is not because I do not get enough love and attention. It is not because I am selfish and need more to be fulfilled. It is not because those around me aren't good enough. It is because sometimes I am battling something else, something greater than me.

My happiness and positive attitude isn't a complete coverup for a dark twisted soul either. I am happy. I try to remain as positive about life as I can. I love those in my life with all of my heart. And I try with my whole being to love and appreciate everything in my life. Some days are just easier than others. 

What most people know about me is that I am married to a talk, dark and handsome man and a mom of a very beautiful three year old boy. I live in New York City, but Plymouth will always be the only home for me. I love going on adventures and photographing my whole life. I teach preschool, but get such a buzz from working in theatre. I love and miss my family and close friends from home every day. I am passionate and creative. I do love making people laugh and feel good. And what the world sees on social media is me; it is not a cover up, it just isn't the whole me. 

What most people don't know about me, well until now, is that every Tuesday afternoon I leave work a little early. I head eighteen blocks uptown and ride the elevator to the tenth floor. For one hour a week, I sit in a room and laugh, cry, rhetorically ask questions when I know I'm too afraid to answer, and feel a sense of pride when I find myself using methods I have been learning to find emotional triumph. I see a therapist. I have chosen to seek help. Some weeks I leave understanding myself better, others I leave feeling like a freshly opened wound. As life is every day changing, so is this process. Some days are always better than others. For all of us.

I don't see the loss of Robin Williams just another celebrity death. I also don't see it as a suicide. I see it as a wake up call for mental health, to provide guidance to those struggling their own thoughts and feelings, and a look into what others without depression may not fully understand. He didn't kill himself; he lost his battle with a mental disease that many people struggle with every day. I am in NO way putting my own issues out there for a poor pitiful me. In fact, I am grateful I have found a professional who I trust and can confide in to help me navigate through this part of my life. There are others out there who have already lost all their hope. I am lucky. I have so much hope in my heart. I just hope that others can find that person, medicine, sport, outlet, to help them through the dark days. I hope that the world starts to take action more regarding mental health issues. Instead of judging one another, we should be supporting each other. 

So when Oz is revealed, what do we do? Do we judge them for putting on a facade, blame them for once giving us happiness and hope, shun them and deem them selfish for being afraid and feeling alone and just pretending this whole time? Or do we hold out our hands, help, listen, and offer hope in their own dark times? 

Please be kind, world.

Mommies' Night Out

What a perfect excuse to drink. Being a mother. Sign me up! After giving up drinking for nine or so months just to grow and push out the most beautiful, perfect human being, we deserve a drink. Or two. Or three. And thankfully I am friends with many other women who agree.

That is why one mama from daycare decided to establish Mommies' Night Out, a (monthly) event for us mamas to get together, drink and just get out! 

Almost three years ago when I started writing this blog, I wrote a post on The Dating Scene, about play dates. It definitely still applies but it goes into a total different stage. My husband and I met on a blind date six years ago. And I feel like sometimes these parent nights out almost have that same type of anxiety. You get on an email chain of parents, some saying they will be there, others missing out. You maybe know what they look like but really only know the names of their kids. So you sit and wait at the bar, or nervously walk in, looking for who maybe that person or people from the email. An awkward smile, head nod or look let's you know that it's the group. You walk over, shake hands, introduce yourself and order drinks. Then spend the night getting to know one another. Ha! It seems weird but that is literally how it is. The drinks start flowing, you compare potty training tips, complain about pregnancy, laugh sharing moments your kids have embarrassed you, and it gets a little less like a blind date and more like, well, a Mommies' Night Out. 

What I think is most great about this night (besides the obvious drinking part) is that it brings together a bunch of women who really only have motherhood in common. We are all from different places, all different ages, different careers, but all share the same bond of motherhood. We are mothers of sons, mothers of daughters, mothers of twins, and mothers of only children. We are working moms and stay at home. We have different parenting styles, but offer support for each other. We all like to drink and are just trying to figure out this crazy journey parenthood. 

CHEERS to Mommies everywhere!

"I'm gonna bash you"

I'm gonna bash you. 

Welp. It's begun. The rough'n'tough, crash'n'bash part of raising a kid. I definitely didn't think that this stage would already be starting a couple weeks shy of him turning three. And what I didn't expect even more is how I would feel about it.  

No fighting. No guns. No swords. No bad guys. 

WAY easier said then done. 

Actually, now that I have started this new phase in the wide range of WTF-do-I-do phases of parenting, I have found myself to be much more relaxed about the subject. 

This spring, while I was out of the house 16 hours a day, 7 days a week teaching and working on a play, my husband introduced Vedder to He-Man. The boy is obsessed. Hand him a sword or baseball bat or even a stick and he will recite the entire opening to the show. He has even talked about how he will be He-Man for Halloween and dada will be Skeletor. Whether or not he understands the show, it absolutely has sparked his imagination. 

When we went to Disney a few weeks ago, I cried walking down Main Street, watching Vedder in his new Mickey ears sit on Michael's shoulders, taking in everything. In the three years we have been a family, that has been one of my favorite moments. Then a little voice says "where's my sword?" and I'm snapped back into the silly reality that is raising this kid. "I need a sword to be a Mickey musketeer like Donald and Goofy." This kid never ceases to surprise me. 

Did I ever think that his sword fighting and "I'm gonna bash you" language would ever come from those family movie nights of watching old school Disney movies? Ha! Never. But they did. And now that's where his imagination goes to. 

And for now my mumma gut is telling me to let him go there. Are the wrestling matches with dad and the water gun fights with Nani going to really make him a bad kid? I try to remind him when he wants to pretend to "bash" that not everyone likes to play that way so he needs to ask first. And I try to remind him that sometimes being too rough can result in someone getting hurt. But I don't say no. I let him play like that. I let him use those words. Not because he's a boy. Because he's a child. Because he's fending off an evil giant to help bring food and sunshine back to his town. Because he is fighting off villains to save a princess who he loves. Because I don't want to tell him his imagination has to be limited to what is PC. Because he is not hurting anyone. And if one day he slips and makes a mistake or goes too far, that will be another moment for us to learn a lesson. 

But until that day.. I'll let him play.